Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter Seven

by thethreepennyguignol

You walk into your living room, and there I am. I’m in your pyjamas, for some reason, and I’m holding out this recap and a bottle of wine. You nod. It’s time. It’s time.

We left off last week with Ana identifying Jack Hyde on a CCTV tape as the one who started the fire at Christian’s business.

“”You seem to have studied your ex-boss in some detail, Mrs. Grey,” he murmurs, sounding none too pleased.”

Bear in mind that Ana was sexually harassed by this boss, and kicked him in the nuts to get him away from her. But aye, deffo someone you should be worried about. It seems as though Ana is attracted to men who treat her like utter shit and consider her consent secondary, so actually…

They discuss Jack being at Grey Industries some more, and Barney, Christian’s PI, tells them that they’ve got his hard drive. Ana is smug about being useful for once in her miserable life, and Christian compliments her for being not just “decorative”. Ugh. They make out a little:

“”Hungry?” he asks.

“No.”

“I am.”

“What for?”

“Well—food actually, Mrs. Grey.””

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Thank fucking Christ. Ana goes to make Christian a sandwhich, and bumps into Mrs Jones.

“”Um—so what does Christian like in a, um . . . sub?” I frown, struck by what I’ve just said. Does Mrs. Jones understand the inference?”

Yes. She’s cleaned his butt-plugs, she gets the double-entendre. Ana mashes some avocado, and Christian comes in and remarks on the fact that she’s barefoot in the kitchen. Ana replies that it’s meant to be “barefoot and pregnant”, but Christian tenses up and tells her he doesn’t want to share her yet. This is relevant for later, so make a note of it in the giant Recaps Planner I assume you all have. They discuss the house that they’re going to destroy and rebuild, and Ana expresses that she likes it the way it is. Christian tells her he’d be happy wherever she is;

“He is utterly, utterly sincere. I blink at him as my heart expands. Holy cow, he really does love me.”

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I should fucking hope so, considering YOU MARRIED HIM. This is not a realization you should be just coming to after the wedding, you know? They talk about the walk-in closets for several hours, apparently, and then Ana decides she wants to go watch TV.

“”Any specific drivel you want to see?”

“You don’t like TV much, do you?” I mutter sardonically.

He shakes his head. “Waste of time. But I’ll watch something with you.””

I hate people who are snobs about TV. I mean, I love TV with all my heart and soul so maybe I’m not the most impartial person here, but when I see people shitting on the medium because they think it looks smart, it makes me want to slap them. Like…have you watched any TV? Because there’s a lot of amazing storytelling on there, for my money, some of the best in any medium you’ll find at the moment. I realize that it’s pretty rich for me to dictate on what is and isn’t worthy when I’m sitting here listening to one of the bad Fall Out Boy albums, but I stand by it.

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YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE

Christian is maudlin about the fact that he’s never made out with anyone, which is just…once again, I have to ask whether or not EL has read her own damn series. Ana and Christian do plenty of making out (or what I’d define as making out) over the course of this series, but why pass up an opportunity for Christian to be a miserable shit about something?

Ana tells Christian that she’s made out with people before him, and he demands to know who it is:

“”I want to know. So I can beat whoever it was to a pulp.”

I giggle. “Well, the first time . . .”

“The first time! There’s more than one fucker?” He growls.”

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Having some HEAVY feelings about Jughead in Riverdale, because of course I am 

Oh my GOD. Should I go get my boyfriend out of the bath, wrestle the Stephen King book he’s inevitably reading out of his hands, to let him know that another man might have brushed by me in a corridor once? Christian is mad, apparently, and gets her to tell him who she made out with while he rubs up on her to show her how much better he is than some fifteen-year-olds Ana snogged in high school.

“His eyes are smoldering hot . . . angry? Turned on? It’s difficult to say which.”

Oh, that’s good. You can’t tell whether your partner is coming on to you because they’re angry or because they want you. Or if there’s a difference. They fool around on the couch, and Ana asks if Christian likes her touching him;

” “Of course I do. I love you touching me, Ana. I’m like a starving man at a banquet when it comes to your touch.””

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I’ll say it once, I’ve said it a million times: if someone said this to me in the throes of passion, I would laugh in their face. I dare you to say this to your partner when you’re next getting down and dirty, and report back to me on just how dumped you are. Go on. Do it. For the recaps.

“Jeez . . . he’s in good shape,” Ana thinks as she touches him up, which, again, is something that real people who have sex think about their partners bodies when they’re getting down to it.

Christian gets mad about the fact that his security team didn’t do well enough at keeping them secured earlier in the night, and Ana tells him that she’s going back to work the next day. He doesn’t throw a little bitch tantrum about it! Progress! Barely!

Ana goes to work, and everyone loves her etc. Christian emails her in a huff that she hasn’t changed her surname to his in her email, and Ana sighs as she knows it’s going to be a fight. And there we go, back to square one again. Ana goes about her day, and then, of course, CHRISTIAN TURNS UP AT HER WORK TO CHASTISE HER FOR NOT DOING WHAT HE WANTED.

“”I’m just looking over my assets.”

“Your assets? All of them?”

“All of them. Some of them need rebranding.”

“Rebranding? In what way?”

“I think you know.” His voice is menacingly quiet.”

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“Menacing”. This is not a word that I ever, ever want to use to describe a romantic partner. Certainly not when they burst into my office to throw a tantrum. He must have been saving up all his tantruming from the night before to unleash on her today. How thoughtful of him.

“”I like to make the odd impromptu visit. It keeps management on their toes, wives in their place. You know.” He shrugs, his mouth set in an arrogant line.”

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I refuse to dignify that horrendous line with anything more than this picture. Ana goes on to describe him as a control freak with stalker tendencies, and continues to defend her position, pointing out that she married him and that should be enough;

“”I want your world to begin and end with me,” he says, his expression raw.”

Well, it doesn’t and it shouldn’t. Get over yourself, you ragingly arrogant piece of fuckshit. Ana, of course, is sad and moved by what he says. Christian then strongly implies to her that she only got the job because he purchased the company. I hate this character just the most absurd amount. There aren’t words. Except these ones.

Christian informs her that he’s giving her the company, and wants to know whether to use Steele or Grey in the name of it. So, he’s blackmailing her, is what he’s doing. Ana is shocked and tells him she hasn’t had enough experience for the job;

“”You’re also the most well-read person I know,” he counters earnestly. “You love a good book. You couldn’t leave your job while we were on our honeymoon. You read how many manuscripts? Four?””

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In three weeks? I hate to break it to him, but this is not impressive. Ana is entirely correct, she isn’t qualified to run the company. But she likes books and since Christian has decided that’s the case…that’s the case, I guess? Whoo, agency!

Christian tries to seduce Ana in the office, which she has to say no to several times before he stops, and she finally concedes to changing her name. Christian swans off all pleased with himself and leaves her be.

“I lay my head on my desk, feeling like I’ve been run over by a freight train—the freight train that is my beloved husband. He has to be the most frustrating, annoying, contrary man on the planet.”

Sincerely, how can any woman want this? She says nothing nice about him here, aside from the fact she loves him, I guess. He steamrollered into her work, had a row about making her change her name, disparaged her acquisition of the job AND THEN told her he was getting the company for her, tried to seduce her, had to be told multiple times to stop, then swans out as soon as he got what he wanted. He is just…ugh. Repulsive.

Ana goes home, and Christian can’t figure out why she’s mad. So smart, so clever, but can’t put a pin in why his wife is pissed at him after the shit he pulled.

“”Don’t be mad. You’re so precious to me. Like a priceless asset, like a child,””

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Genuine boke. He’s running his finger across her lip at this point, too. The conversation descends into nothing, and then Christian dances with Ana, and everything is forgotten. Including this grotesque chapter, as we draw (finally) to a close. Till next time!

 

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