Great British Bake-Off Contestants, Rated

by thethreepennyguignol

So, The Great British Bake-Off is back, and I couldn’t be happier (literally; I am never at a better time in my life than across the ten weeks this show airs. The rest of the year is just wind carried by ashes). And, apart from my one post all that time ago, I haven’t written much about it. Let’s remedy that, with an arbitrary ranking of the remaining contestants based on how much I want them to win (and how much I think they actually might).


Andrew: I appreciate Andrew’s nervous smile and constant fluttery state of slight panic deeply. He also seems like he’s going to be that one contestant who goes unthinkably big every week and somehow pulls it off  and builds an entirely functional self-governing society out of shortbread or something, which almost guarantees a spot in the final three.

Chances of Winning (if I judged the show): 8

Actual Chances of Winning: 8

Candice: Candice has amazing lipstick and my boyfriend fancies the pants off of her. She also constantly seems to pull it together at the last minute, a skill which I deeply envy her for, though that’s sure to work against her when one of the technical challenges requires her to make a creme pate with one hand and build nuns out of pastry with the other. And, while I might be remembering wrong, I’m 99% sure this actually happened on the show a couple of years back.

Chances of Winning (If I judged the Show): 7, for her daring make-up choices alone.

Actual Chances of Winning: 6

Benjamina: Bejamina is on top of her shit, man, and she’s the one I randomnly selected to win the contest in the first episode, so I may have some extra bias in this. She cried in the first episode and had to be comforted by one of the SueMels. But she’s also bloody good, the silent-but-deadly type you don’t notice until she’s got that steely glint of determination in her eye and it’s too late to stop her.

Chances of Winning (If I Judged the Show): 10, because I’m pretty sure I have a tenner bet on someone about this.

Actual Chances of Winning: 8

Jane: I have little impression of Jane, who seems kind of middle-0f-the-pack and declares in her bio that ciabatta are her nemesis. As I have always held a vendetta against bread, I can appreciate her hardline stance and will therefore up her chances.

Chances of Winning (If I Judged the Show): 9, because bread has for too long exerted it’s floury grasp on society and that needs to stop.

Actual Chances of Winning: 5

Kate: Kate runs a Brownie group, which seems entirely correct for her character. In fact, I’m not convinced it wasn’t a clone of Kate who ran my own Brownie group back in the day and they’ve been creating copies of them all along. These extra Kate-clones could come in handy if she manages to keep multiples off-camera at all times.

Chances of Winning (If I Judged the Show): 7. I’m scared what they’ll do to me if I don’t let them win.

Actual Chances of Winning: 6

Michael: I have…no impression of Michael. I thought he and Tom were the same person, but apparently I’m incorrect on this. I mean, he hasn’t done anything terrible, so…?

Chances of Winning (If I Judged the Show): 4, because I might forget he was there.

Actual Chances of Winning: 7. It’s always the dark horses (sometimes. Well, never.)

Rav: Rav, not unlike Benjamina, is away there working at the back looking like it’s no big thing, knocking out decent pastries and cakes and biscuits every week and blending interesting flavours and being the right level of charming to keep everyone interested. He’s so perfectly pitched that I think he might be a plant, or at least have spent years obsessively studying the bake-off to see which kinds of personalities actually get through.

Chances of Winning (If I Judged the Show): 7. I like him, and I remember distinctly wanting to jam everything he’s ever baked in the show down my throat.

Actual Chances of Winning: 7.

Selasi: Selasi. Ah, Selasi, Selasi, Selasi- even his name sounds like the soft caress of a sea breeze drifting off the Atlantic on a cool late Summer day. Sexy, ice-cool, and vaguely impenetrable, he’s like every one of my friend’s dads I fancied in high school, except he can cook and this time he’s single and I’m all grown up (I’m sorry, I’m disgusting). His two weeks on the show have shown his patchiness, but he has to win, doesn’t he? Think of the riots if he doesn’t.

Chances of Winning (If I Judged the Show): 10. I’d hand over the trophy now and stop all this silly “competition” ceremony.

Actual Chances of Winning: 8

Val: Val seems a little off-the-wall, to say the least, and thus reminds me of all the women in my family. While she doesn’t seem like the most competent baker in the tent, I can’t help but like her eccentric blusterings, so I hope she hangs around for a while longer.

Chances of Winning (If I Judged the Show): 7, because I have a soft spot for slightly out-there British women with wooden spoons in their hands.

Actual Chances of Winning: 6

Tom: Tom puts booze in everything, and his masterplan is to get Berry sloshed enough that he sneaks through every week on the back of her gin-soaked hiccups. He’s probably got in in the bag, just thanks to this fiendish scheme.

Chances of Winning: 10. Straight-up.