A Wanker’s Literary Reaction: The Voice UK

by thethreepennyguignol

So, The Voice UK. You knew it was coming; I, as a purveyor of taste for people who never asked in the first place, and the biggest new talent show to hit Britian since oh Fuck I don’t care I really don’t were destined to meet in a corridor of our mutual mediocrity and matching sense of futility and lack of tangible future in our chosen fields.

The judges in this are hilariously annoying. Tom Jones, who I love and (this is a FACT) who’s voice could literally turn any woman’s insides to cottage cheese with first eight lines of “It’s Not Unusual”, for no real reason other than why not, has cropped up crying and nodding in a big chair. Luckily, he just falls under bland, and therefore the least objectionable of all the judges, because he is Welsh and we’re all secretly reminded of Rob Brydon whenever we hear a Welsh accent and thus cannot feel hate. Then there’s Jessie J, who I used to quite like, who now I do not. She’s quite simply outstandingly irritating, powerfully dull, and utterly vapid, though, in her defence, her hair is really shiny. So distracting is her hair that I sit there, hypnotised, as she makes some other odd rising-inflection comment about how someone moved her with their pelvic-thrusting or something. Next, with have will.i.am, who I hate, and I hate some more. I loathe him so badly, that every time he opens his mouth to release another nasal, whispery shriek or does this bizzare head-nod thing whenever he likes the music, I feel a tumour appear and grow in my brain. It’s about the size of a Terry’s Chocolate Orange just now.

I refuse to even type the name of the total wanking cuntbucket of the fourth judge. Ooh. No, no words, no tags, no mentions, no whispers. He can fuck off back to The Scriptures or whatever. Off my television please.

The competitors are never the problem with these shows; they are simply blank blobs for the TV demographic people to sketch their own faces and personalities on to in order to attract whoever they want to attract. I mean, some of The Voice competitors are outstandingly bland; I refuse to watch an entire series because did you ever honestly expect me to, but even just the episodes I’ve watched, there have been practically nil discernable personalities on show. There’s a little blonde puff of air called Emma-Jay (Jade? Jane?) who constantly looks like a semi-finalist for Miss Margate, and some bloke with very long blonde hair who I instantly took a liking too because he looked like he’d crawled out of the most middle-class mosh pit on earth. But most of them are cut-and-dried from the usual crop of gameshow contestants: the larger lady with a great voice, the ugly one, the hipster-girl crush in skinny chinos, the “alternative” one, the handful of girl-band rejects, the arrogant one, the one from Landan. Yeah, they can all sing, but why do we continue to put so much importance on just singing as a talent? We’ve proved with scores and scores of gameshows from all over the world that plenty of people can sing. Fuck, turn up at karaoke down the union on a Tuesday night and I promise you’ll find a handful of people with decent voices. It’s about having the drive, the charisma, the sheer musicality to carry that through to a career without having to go in front of Jessie J in a big chair. Yes, that’s incredibly unfair and bitter, but we’re still seeing people get to the top on their talent alone. It IS possible. This is not about singing. It’s about, as it always is, emotional arcs and the forced creation of a narrative (I’m picking on The Voice here, but almost all shows of this type do it). But you know what: if i makes you happy and entertains you, I’m no Tom Jones on a big chair. Who am I to judge?

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