University, and so on.
There are things no-one tells you about university before you go. You look at pictures of accommodation poke round the campus, download all the study materials and harden your liver for the inevitable drinking frenzy. But I thought I’d divulge to you my top tips for university, and so on.
1. Smokers are by far the most interesting people on campus.
All the interesting people I’ve met, smoke. They’re the people who don’t give a flying fuck what happens to their lungs, their health, or their sperm count (the women are particularly loose with this ethic). They don’t mind huddling in the rain, cold, snow and wind just to feast on some delicious cancer. See that person opposite you at the union doing fourteen tequila shots? Thirty quid and a rum and coke says they’re a smoker. Anyone who cares that little about their health is instantly more interesting (even if their doctor would beg to differ).
2. The water in the tap in your room has lead in it.
Why? Why? Why? The kitchen’s a positive quest away when tipsy. Is this how they’re keeping tuition fees down? Murdering us off? Alex Salmond, you cunning bastard.
3. You’ll likely die in the library.
Always happens to me; I bring a companion for a sort of Hilary and Sherpa Tensing situation should one of us actually pass away while looking for Linda Colley’s “Forging the Nation” in a library so labyrinthine I wouldn’t be at all surprised to find David Bowie in spandex tights in the politics aisle. Also, the photocopiers have a similar manual to the Da Vinci code. Avoid.
4. Roomates will do inexplicable things.
Football, in the corridor, at three in the morning? No, don’t let me stop you. I wasn’t doing anything important, just trying to sleep for the first time in three days. Don’t worry. I’ll just get up and make some dinner. It’s been ages since I’ve had rage-filled Spaghetti.
5. Tequila shots count as study breaks.
Nothing to see here.
Don’t say you learn nothing coming here. I’m a thoughtful bloggerer.