The title of gimmicky reality show Don’t Tell the Bride doesn’t just refer to the wedding the groom has to organise with no communication with his wife-to-be. It also refers to the presumable gag friends and family must take in order to let the groom make huge, blundering, errors, and let the bride throw the inevitable strop while merrily stoking the fires of their discontent.
The couple this week are made up of a nice-but-dim metalhead whose name is irrelevant, and his rock-chick girlfriend Terri, a heavily tattooed and pierced, flame-haired enigma whose voice-over also claims to love pink, girly, sparkly bits, over shots of her positioning gems on an iPhone. The best man is an extraordinarily camp, bald man who, within seconds of appearing on-screen, has become by far my favorite member of the party this week. But what’s this? Here’s Man saying he wants a metal, rock, hardcore wedding, and a cut shot of Terri implying she won’t marry her finace unless she gets “a princess wedding”. Conflict? Surely not?
And here the production team begins to twist the knife. Dragging in family, there are endless shots of the groom and entourage driving around talking about venues. At one point, on the disappointment of a venue being closed on the Sabbath, the groom turns his heavily tattooed, pierced face to the camera and announces “Sundays suck”, which I can see being made into some sort of gif for the next Conservative election campaign. Obviously staged fights take place to indie soundtracks, but things only really start spraying blood when the bride finds out what the wedding’s going to be like.
Fustratingly, he actually does a reasonable job of picking a dress. I’ve never got the appeal of a wedding dress myself, not having had my ovaries put where my brain used to be, but even I have to admit she looks all frothy and booby. Then the wedding happens. The bride walks up the sort of stage-aisle while some sort of bland metal band chugs away distressingly on stage. After endless vox pops of Terri telling the camera emphatically that if Groom #14 made a metal wedding she would not be best impressed. But it seems this week that the selection process has failed dismally. Most weeks, the couple will be so volatile anyway, that any sort of deviation from the Bride’s vision will end in storming out and bawling. But this week, although she looks a little perturbed at the men howling into microphones, Terri and her husband actually seem pretty happy and content.
I felt totally cheated. Sentimental bastards.