The Cutprice Guignol

If you know football fans, you know that The Referee’s A W***er is probably the most down-to-earth and grounded episode of Inside No. 9 to date.

And I do know footballs fans because, for my sins, I am one. And football fans are, fundamentally, just like that. I would do all of this for Leeds United and more; I’m not proud of it, but owe you the truth, dear readers. Which is exactly why this episode was on my favourite-of-all-time list, which is exactly why I’ve been looking forward to writing about it so much, which is exactly why I think it’s one of the best, most inventive, and most downright hilarious episodes the show has ever done.

It’s a bottle episode set inside around the refereeing squad for an all-important match between Rovers and United – a win for Rovers keeps them from relegation, but a win for United earns them a promotion. Oh, and it’s the final match in a storied career for Martin (David Morrissey). So, you know, no pressure.

It’s such an Inside No. 9 move to take a subculture as comically impassioned and intense as football, and to choose to tell a story about what is, traditionally, the least interesting part of it, the referees. But, at this stage in the show’s run, a challenge like this doesn’t even really register as one, the script and characters are so tight and well put-together. Aside from Morrissey, who I’ll be getting into in a second, Shearsmith and Pemberton are joined by Ralf Little to fill out the rest of the refereeing squad, and every single one of them feels so distinct within just a few moments of screentime. From Little’s new-breed official courting the camera (“Linesman Minelli”, on a side note, made me yelp out loud with delight) to Pemberton’s brash old stalwart, to Shearsmith’s endless invocation of the San Siro, they’re all distinct but so well-crafted in this compressed timeframe. They make up one of the most memorable ensembles of the show’s whole run, perhaps because they all feel like various versions of football fanatics I’ve known over the years.

But all of them, honestly, are eclipsed by an outstanding performance from David Morrissey, in what’s most likely my favourite guest turn of all of Inside No. 9 (it’s between this and Love is a Stranger, at least). Morrissey can be a patchy actor, at least for me, but this character is his down to the bone – the way he teases out the drama in this dressing room, the way he manages with a practiced ease the relationships between his team, and the pure, pathological passion for the game that underlies it all. Martin is such a well-drawn character, and Morrissey breathes life into him in the way only a football fan can.

And, of course, we’ve got to talk about that twist, that blew my wig clean into outer space when I first saw it in 2020 – that Martin has orchestrated everything, from an affair with one of the team’s strikers to an on-pitch brawl, in order to ensure that his team, City, earns promotion. It’s such a great way to the end the episode, that reshapes the mounting chaos that has been building over the course of this half-hour into a meticulous and ultimately successful plan. When Martin says that he did what he did for love, he means it – it’s for the love of his club, a love that has provided community and purpose for so long, a love that most football fans can relate to on some level. After all, who’s dick wouldn’t you suck to win the Premier League, honestly?

Overall, it’s still one of my favourites, a witty, deft, and brilliant piss-take of football and everything that surrounds it. One thing that did strike me during this episode was whether or not it would work so well for non-football fans; if you’re one of them, I would love to hear from you in the comments about where this episode stands for you.

If you liked this article and want to see more stuff like it, please check out the rest of my Inside No. 9 reviews. I’d also love it if you would check out my horrible short story collection, and, if you’d like to support my work, please consider supporting me on Patreon!

(header image via TV Tropes)