Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter Nineteen

by thethreepennyguignol

Yes, this blog has been a little quiet recently and I’m making a concentrated effort to get more stuff up in the next few weeks. And, much as I’ve been avoiding this shit for a long time, but there’s no escaping it: it’s time for another installment of Fifty Shades Freed, as this interminable book thunders on into eternity. The neverending fucking story, but this time without the false advertising.

We left off last time as Ana’s father awoke from a coma with her at his bedside. Fuck it, if it had been me and the first thing I saw was Ana, I’d have pulled the plug on myself right there. The endless unknowable void of death seems like small fries compared to the reminder that Ana exists. Blah, blah – Ana is happy her father is awake and he looks to return home. Christian takes her back to the hotel –

“He’s eyeing my car with lust, and I don’t blame him.”


Man, James Spader has played a lot of sexual deviants, hasn’t he? Eh, I think a lot of people just wanted to see him with his butt out and I don’t blame them.

They go upstairs and eat dinner, and Ana thinks about how she’s “replete” after eating properly for the first time in a while, because that’s how people think about anything ever. Then Christian and her start flirting, and I swear to God it’s like about forty-five full minutes of them going “ooh, Mrs/Mr Grey” before we get to anything even vaguely interesting. Ana asks for a less gentle encounter than the last time and Christian stands up with Ana in his arms-

“I gasp and grab his biceps, fearful that he’ll drop me.”

IMAGINE. I literally laughed aloud at the thought of Ana asking for rougher sex and Christian straight picking her up and dumping her with no warning and then just walking off and finishing off his dinner. Christian makes Ana tell him that she’ll stop him if it gets too much because, of course, it’s not Christian’s fault if he goes too far ever, and it’s Ana’s responsibility to call him when he oversteps boundaries that he never bothered to establish!

He chucks Ana on to the couch and asks her to play with herself; she does, and then Christian brushes her off and fingers her while mashing the heel of his hand against her clit. Jesus. I can’t think of a part of the body that requires more gentle dexterity that a clitoris, and a part of the body less adapted to that gentle dexterity than the fucking heel of a hand. I crushed garlic with the heel of my hand earlier tonight. Ugh.

They bang, Ana explodes, then falls asleep and wakes up to find him watching her because hes a giant fucking creep. He offers her this edifying comment:

” “I’m glad Ray’s conscious. Seems all your appetites are back,” he says, not disguising the smile in his voice.”

“Glad your stepdad isn’t in a life-threatening coma anymore, because it means I can stick my dick in you again!”.


I’ve never compared these two before, but yeah, I stand by it. 

Ana and Christian talk some more about how great Christian is for not abandoning Ana as soon as she suffered the trauma of the recent accident, and Christian gets all sad about how he’s not as perfect as Ana thinks he is, and of course Ana has to jump to console him because he’s the one whose really suffered with all of this. Oh, also, for Hannigiram watch 2K17:

“I want to climb into his body and hold him.”


Man I will never not be into Hannigram. 

Ana takes Christian to bed for round two, but we cut away – now, this is interesting, because this is a place for once where a sex scene might have made sense. He’s emotional, sad and feeling unworthy of love, and Ana is desperate to prove to him how deeply she feels for him. Surely, this could have been an opportunity to actually have a sex scene tie into the major themes of the chapter and book as opposed to just jamming it in (pin fully intended) to give the bored readers something to pause at as they flicked through? No? I don’t know what I expected.

We cut to the next morning and Ana returns to the hospital, where she informs her stepfather that they’re going to move him to another hospital closer to their home. Because that’s what he needs after a traumatic and nearly fatal accident: more stress for no fucking reason. What a great daughter. What a great person. All hail Ana. Whoo.

Christian tells Ana that the detective looking into the Jack Hyde case wants to get in touch with her, but first she wants to go out and get coffee and doughnuts for Ray. Christian insists she take Taylor, and they head out, and then there’s another cut to Ana meeting with the detective. The detective asks that they be given some privacy but, of course:

““Anything you wish to say to my wife you can say in front of me.” Christian’s
voice is cool and businesslike.”


But….they’re the police. If they believe you might compromise the investigation if you hear the information they’re going to share, then damn right it doesn’t matter whose ring is on whose arsehole: you’re out. But, of course, Ana insists he stay, and the detective reveals that Hyde has accused Ana of harassing him and making up the story about the assault in an attempt to get him fired. Ana dismisses the story and Christian gets all uppity and suggests that the detective meet with Hyde’s old assistants (which he’s already done) and search his apartment (which he’s already done) because of course Christian knows better how to handle this case than a fucking police detective. No wonder he never calls the cops when something clearly illegal happens: he’s better equipped to deal with it than them, of course, because he’s Christian Grey and God forbid our leading man ever be any less at exemplary at police work and I don’t know, sending emails, in case for a moment the audience realize he’s not a perfect 10/10 at everything he encounters, but let’s not lean too hard on that “being good at growth and change within a romantic relationship” thing because that’s too tricky. What a great man. What a great person. Whoo.

They go back to visit her stepfather, and as they go Ana gets a call from her doctor. It’s revealed that Ana has missed her last four appointments for her contraceptive shots, and calls her in. When she arrives, Ana is asked to take a pregnancy test and obviously, inevitably, she’s fucking pregnant. Join me next week for the most crushingly depressing chapter of this book and perhaps this series so far, and in the meantime, if you enjoy these recaps and would like to see more stuff like them, please consider supporting me on Patreon.