Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter Four

by thethreepennyguignol

Ah, the end to another week; i hope your’s has been especially good, because ruining it will bring me even more twisted pleasure than normal. Also! I updated my Patreon page today with some awesome new rewards I think you’ll love, so please give that a look if you get the chance. On with the recap!

We left off last week with Christian recieving the news that there had been a fire at Grey House (where he operates his business from), and he’s dealing with that while Ana wanders around the boat being bored. She decides she wants to use the jet ski to go into town and go shopping, and Taylor the bodyguard is all “lol I’m not getting fired over you wanting to play at James Bond”, so she asks Christian for permission. Well, no, she kisses him and tells him she’s going shopping, to which we get this not at all punchable display of teeth-grinding wealth;

“”Go spend some money.” He releases me.

“Will do.” I smirk at him as I exit his study.”

tumblr_lqe9gt5z3p1qafrh6

I needed you to hear this in a British accent, you know?

Look, I know that one of the appeals of the billionaire romance genre is that money is no object. You’re taken out of your life-which likely involves at least some measure of monetary worries- and get to forget all that for a partner who can give you anything. But there’s a line between that and Ana and Christian gurning away to each other about how much disposable income he makes. Remember how France treated the aristocracy last time they went too far?

Ana goes out on the jet ski, and has a good time, I guess. After about four seconds, Taylor pulls her over and informs her that Christian wants her to stop. Ana agrees, but she’s annoyed at Taylor for having to break the news to her;

” I cannot believe how fond I am of Taylor, but I really don’t appreciate being scolded by him – he’s not my father or my husband.”

giphy

I beg your fucking what now? I’m a grown-ass woman, and frankly I would find it strange if my father scolded me at this age. If my partner were to do it? I would assume he was making some kind of joke, because damn, it’s not part of your romantic partner’s resume to treat you like a child and tell you off when you’re being naughty (which she isn’t- she’s just doing what she wants). Also, why is she mad at Taylor when he’s just delivering a scolding from her husband (which isn’t apparently alright for her to receive)? This book just can’t be a thing. It just can’t. I won’t have it.

Christian tells her he supposes he can let her go, and she heads off on to the mainland to shop after emailing him (take a shot!) about how it was great that he wasn’t a total grouchy fuck (not verbatim). Ana heads to town, then back to the boat, where she gets a call from Jose so she can organise some mysterious “plan” regarding Christian.

7e675190a63ae9dc8c1dcdb5cd7e91aa

comically tightly crossed fingers.gif

Ana has bought Christian a camera, and tells him she wants him to photograph her with it. I’m not doing many actual quotes from this chapter, because it’s really dull and lots of them sort of smooching at each other sexily and repetitively. Oh, but then Christian gets upset over the camera, and talks about how those photos were an insurance policy (yeah, remember how he took pictures of naked women having kinky sex with him to protect himself against being exposed as liking kinky sex?), and Ana realizes that he still feels guilty about the marks he left on her. As he should, but whatever.

“”Christian, these don’t matter.” I hold up my wrist, revealing the fading welt. “You gave me a safe word. Shit – yesterday was fun. I enjoyed it. Stop brooding about it – I like rough sex, I’ve told you that before.” I flush scarlet as I try to quash my rising panic.”

I will say it once, and I will say it again: has EL James read her own book? Ana has literally never said that she enjoys rough sex. She enjoys some aspects of Christian’s dom fetish, sure, but she has consistently said that she doesn’t like the more agressive elements of it and doesn’t enjoy them. Also: she doesn’t like the love bites! Last chapter, she threw a hairbrush at his head, and said she looked “like hell” thanks to his possesive marking of her body. I remember, and I wrote that recap more than a week ago. Were readers (and, fuck, EL herself) forgetting chapter to chapter the things that Ana had said to him, that she’d thought to herself? I just…fuck character consistency, fuck editing, fuck it all. This is why I’m struggle to take traditional publishing seriously these days- because this got published, and none of the things that make a book traditionally “worthy” are present in it’s pages.

Ana takes some photos of Christian and he loosens up a little, before snapping pictures of her and giving her an odd look that confuses her before he continues.

” I dismiss the distant alarm bells in the back of my mind, knowing that he wants me, that he needs me, and that when it comes to communicating with me, this is his favorite form of self expression”

200

It’s YOUNG MARK HAMILL O CLOCK

Yes, nothing says romance like ignoring the part of your brain that’s telling you something about this sexual encounter is wrong because hey, your husband never learned to communicate with anything other than his dick. All that matters is that he wants to fuck you, not that he has failed to answer any of the questions Ana has posed him over the last page or two about his state of mind.

“He holds my head and with no preamble whatsoever he thrusts himself inside me, making me cry out – more in surprise than anything else […]”

Mmm, does that get you wet, ladies? No foreplay? Alarm bells at the back of your head? Christian Grey, sex God, and Ana Steele, sex doll. That about sums it up. I’m going to gif my way through the rest of this sex scene;

“”Yessss,” he breathes close to my ear.”

giphy1

hsssssss

” I wrap my legs and arms around him, cradling and holding him hard against me, determined to wipe out whatever’s worrying him, and he starts to move . . . move like he’s trying to climb inside me.”

39695aa87598470e3c25e85e810ab961

YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS

” his face taut with ardor, his eyes raw and glowing with need.”

giphy2

“taut”

Afterwards, Ana dramatically recites her wedding vows to make Christian tell her what his problem is, proving once again that she is the top banana at pillow talk. Eventually, he comes out with it;

“”And my biggest worry is that they are after me. And if they are after me – ” He stops, unable to continue.

“. . . They might get me,” I whisper. He blanches and I know that I have finally uncovered the root of his anxiety. Reaching up, I caress his face.”

Alright, slow down, Madame Up-Herself. Maybe he’s worried for himself? His family? The people who work for him, who are in more immediate danger than her since the fire? But nah, it must be about her, obviously. I mean, it evidently is, but still, this is hysterically conceited, even to me. Even to me.

Christian says he’ll tighten security, and they decide to go ashore to eat. They wander around the Palace of Versailles a bit, then go back to the boat, where Ana has an email from Kate about the fire. They chat a bit, and it is about as interesting as most conversations between friends would be to a complete outsider- eg, not at all (unless they involve me and my friends, of course, because we’re outrageously fascinating). Ana goes to bed, has a dream about Christian in the palace of Versailles, and this impressively boring chapter is finally done with. Look out for my Fifty Shades Darker movie review later this week, and I shall see you next time!

Advertisements