The Cutprice Guignol

October 13, 2014

Doctor Who: Terrific Adventure Raises Discussion of Inelegant Season

After last week’s fiasco of an episode (divisive though it was, I have yet to meet someone in real life who actually liked Kill the Moon), I was seriously putting off watching this week’s outing, Mummy on the Orient Express. For one, they’d once again added the suffix “In SPACE” to give an otherwise fine story a science-fiction twist (this week, the famous train was thundering through the cosmos despite the fact that everyone on the train was still dressed and acted like they were fro the 1920s). And for another, a big deal had been made of the villain, and that sends warning signals sparkling up and down my cynicism spine, as all the really good monsters have come with no fanfare whatsoever. Eventually, with much wincing and eye-rolling, I sat down to this week’s outing.

And I was pretty pleased with the results. For one thing, that Mummy-

-Was genuinely scary. A great to-do was made (by me, on Twitter) about Doctor Who shifting to a half eight slot because this monster was just SO SCARY, and I’ve got to admit that it really was. A great, shambling, rotting creature that only appeared to those who it was about to kill, allowing them sixty-six seconds after it first materialised till their inevitable death. The idea was cool, as with many Who monsters- but for once it was carried off with style, even managing to stick the landing of actually finding out what the creature was and how to stop it, which has been a continual faltering point for writers this series. I’d put this up there amongst the better monsters of the show so far, and not just because they managed to work in an Empty Child joke (“Are you MY mummy?”) for all the fangirls like me who never got over 2005. If you’re going to do scary, do fucking scary; it seems my angry letters have finally reached the Doctor Who writer’s room.

So, the story was solid and surprisingly focused, proving my point about Clara and THIS Doctor working better when seperated once again. I like both this Doctor and Clara, but on screen together they come across as a stroppy teenager and a patronising parent in any combination almost permanently. Frank Skinner guest-starred, four words that can strike fear into the hearts of any British TV fan, and actually proved himself a surprisingly excellent addition. His mischievous cleverness gelled perfectly with the Doctor’s dour investigation, and Skinner acquitted himself admirably, earning a place amongst the best guest stars of the last few seasons. A grand deal was made of an appearance by singer Foxes, which amounted to a twenty-second background musical noodle. Lovely voice, though.

So ye: this was a great episode. But? The jury is still out on this season. And that’s a problem. We’ve had some blindingly good outings- Listen-some above-average exploits- The Janitor, Time Heist, this- and we’ve had some shockingly atrocious bits of television- Kill the Moon, mostly, but I think Deep Breath still has a lot to answer for regarding the all-over-the-place nature of this series. Part of that has come from the fact that Capaldi and Coleman have a very different chemistry than she did with Matt Smith’s Doctor, in a way that apparently wasn’t really anticipated by the writers or directors. They seem keen to wrap up her relationship with the old Doctor, when the new one needs time to establish himself free of the shackles of his predecessor. Broadly, this season has been a disappointment, as they ignored the opportunity to reboot what was a slightly ailing series at this point (would you rewatch any of Matt Smith’s final series out of choice?) and stuck to their increasingly scattershot guns. Watching this series has increasingly confirmed my suspicion that we need a new showrunner, and we need them soon. There’s no doubt Moffat is a genius of television, but he needs something new to breathe life into. Doctor Who fans have seen all of his occasionally impressive shenanigans, and it feels like time for someone else to have a shot at the wheel. A new day, a new Doctor, and preferably a new behind-the-scenes maven to apply electrodes to the show’s genitals. They’ll have you yet, Moffat.

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October 12, 2014

Behind The Creaky Door: A Horror Movie Rebuttal

“These stories frequently emphasise the element of horror because fear is our deepest and strongest emotion, and the one which best lends itself to the creation of nature-defying illusions. Horror and the unknown or the strange are always closely connected, so that it is hard to create a convincing picture of shattered natural law or cosmic alienage or “outsideness” without laying stress on the emotion of fear.” –

Notes on Writing Weird Fiction

H. P. Lovecraft, 1933

What’s behind the creaky door?

When my daughter first asked me the question “Do horror movies have to be scary?”, my immediate and unthinking response was “Yes”. And then, after a few seconds of reflection, “Actually, No.” Now, that may seem strange. Accepting that different things make different people laugh, a comedy film that isn’t funny is a failure by any standards. A musical with unmemorable tunes is destined to be quickly forgotten. A bad Rom-Com is…No wait a minute, all Rom-Coms are essentially crap, so that doesn’t really count, does it? But never mind, the question of how a horror movie that doesn’t scare can still be satisfying is a valid one.

First of all: What is a horror movie? The most common definitions (and there are several) talk about films which are intended produce a negative emotional reaction. But, I don’t think that’s the whole story. True, some horror films elicit involuntary bowel movements by jump scares and the liberal use of giblets. But the best do more, playing as much on our curiosity and instinctive fears of the unknown as on trying directly to scare us. Wondering what’s causing the strange noises upstairs is a strong element in any good horror movie, even if the solution isn’t necessarily frightening. So, I’d suggest that a horror movie is one that prompts curiosity and dread of the unknown as much as overt fear or scares.

Personally, I don’t think that a film must include supernatural elements to qualify as horror. And excessive and exuberant violence isn’t enough on its own, though many good horror films contain both. But a horror film must contain or at least hint at some sort of strangeness. For example, Alien (1979) is a horror film, in my view. And it contains no supernatural elements at all. But it is scary.

That it’s set in space and in the future don’t really matter. Sci-fi and horror are genres which regularly cross-over, partly because neither are constrained by narrow conventions. In either genre, when the hero or heroine finally pushes open that creaky door at the top of the stairs/opens the rusty airlock, there could be anything behind it at all. From a time-travelling, shape-shifting zombie to a dear, sweet, little old lady (who may also turn out to be a time-travelling, shape-shifting zombie). Just like Mr Lovecraft’s Weird Fiction, these movies can explore strangeness without the “galling limitations” of most other genres.

And for me it’s that exploration of the unknown rather than the final solution that defines the horror film. Fear and the unknown are closely linked, which is one of the reasons horror films can be frightening. The first film ever to scare me rigid was The Innocents (1961). The film contains virtually no violence and no scenes that are overtly frightening. The fear comes from the unknown, principally from not knowing whether the ‘ghosts’ exist at all or are simply a product of the overheated imagination of the main character. It is, without doubt, a horror film. As is George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead (1968). But Romero’s follow-up, Dawn of the Dead (1978) isn’t. Why? Because the zombies are no longer strange and unknown. They are a frightening but comprehensible external threat, a deus ex machina whose role and function is understood at the beginning of the movie. Not that Dawn of the Dead isn’t a cracking movie – it is. I just don’t believe it’s a horror film. But though it must deal with elements of the unknown, I don’t feel that a horror film has to be frightening to be effective. I believe that ultimate test of this comes from repeated viewing. There are a number of horror films which I have seen several times, and which I still enjoy. Most simply aren’t scary after the first viewing, but if they’re deftly made they can still be entertaining and satisfying more than once. I have lost count of the number of times I have watched An American Werewolf in London (1981), and I enjoy it every time. It’s certainly a horror film, but I don’t find it even faintly scary. Horror films deal with the broadest themes and those that find an echo in most people. Fear is often a part of the experience of watching the best horror films, but it isn’t essential and it’s lack doesn’t mean that a horror film can’t be engaging and effective. So, not all horror films have to be scary and not all scary films are horror. But to be a horror film, a movie must deal with the unfamiliar and the strange. And if it’s scary too, well, that’s probably because there is nothing we fear so much as the unknown. Ultimately, the nature of the thing behind the creaky door doesn’t really matter and doesn’t define a film as horror or not. It’s the journey to the door itself that makes and defines the genre.

Thanks to my Dad, Stephen MacGregor, horror buff, freelance writer, and owner of The Gun Place.

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October 4, 2014

Doctor Who: Teen Asists Radically Dull Interstellar Shenanigans

Well, we had a good run. From Listen to School space robot nonsense, we got three episodes that were, at worst, pretty good, and at best magnificent. And I must admit I was sceptical of Kill the Moon all week-it looked far too much like a cut-and-paste version of handfuls of previous episodes. Doctor and company arrive on a spaceship where they soon realise events are not going as historically planned; against-the-clock shenanigans ensue; everyone goes home. And, to be fair, that’s what I got.

But this episode bored the crap out of me. I’m almost glad I didn’t hold off on watching it till I was with my regular viewing party, as I had a lot more fun pausing the episode to play with my cat for brief periods and sighing loudly than I did actually watching those forty-seven minutes. I’m going to start from the top with a run-down of everything I think was wrong with this episode, because, aside from a vaguely cool design on the moon, I couldn’t find much to enjoy.

1. Clara

It’s a shame for Jenna Coleman, as she really has proved herself an entirely competent actress a number of times over the series. Here, however, the script threw raging inconsistencies her way that put everything off kilter. For example, it’s revealed that Courtney- the fifteen-year-old schoolgirl the Doctor whisked off into space at the close of last week’s episode- has been acting out because the Doctor says she wasn’t “special”. Courtney breaks into the Tardis, demands he take it back, and the Doctor instead offers to make her the first woman on the moon (?). Now, let’s consider that Clara and the Doctor’s adventures are, at least, quite often life-threateningly dangerous, and the last time Clara took kids in her care anywhere, they wound up with cyberman brain slugs attached to their minds. And they just went to a theme park. Why in the name of fucking hell would Clara decide it was alright to bring Courtney along on their adventure? Courtney winds up in mortal danger during her trip and Clara snaps “I HAVE A DUTY OF CARE” to the Doctor when he refuses to remove her from trouble. Not bringing your students to space with a time-travelling alien might be a plan next time, pal. It might seem like nitpicking here, but it’s these kinds of inconsistencies-purely there to drive the plot forward- that undermine the validity of her character. Why would she do that? She wouldn’t. But they needed her to so there could be a story. And that’s cheating.

2. Courtney

I must say that the wee lassie playing Courtney actually did a reasonable job, by which I mean she was a child actor who I didn’t want to cheerily throw to a pack of lions. But the script for her was jaw-droppingly bad- at once she was cowering from the evil spider monsters (who were crap and not scary at all), the next she was uploading pictures of her and the Doctor on the moon to tumblr because YOOF. She was clearly aware of and actively participated in the situation when she was in the room, but when she was placed back on the Tardis she simply whined about being bored, despite having been fully cognizant of the seriousness of the situation only minutes before. I’d also like to point out that Clara has tried for a long time to keep her life as the Doctor’s companion quiet- why would she invite ONE OF HER STUDENTS, established at the start of the episode to be feeling somewhat neglected and unimportant and with evidence of alien tech (she had the Doctor’s psychic paper), into space where she then took pictures? It won’t be fucking secret for very long if you go about like that. There was an implication, too, that Courtney just carries about a bottle of disinfectant with her at all times, which I know to be a lie. I was young once too, you know.

3. Sundry Characters

I’m not going to waste my precious time looking up their names, but the episode also featured three other characters who were sent to the moon to try and destroy it. Aside from showing no visible surprise when the Tardis and it’s occupants appeared on their spaceship (nor any explanation as to why it was crashing, either), two of them bought in via spider bacteria death, and the remaining one was barely sketched in. Usually, as in the Into the Dalek episode, we get a decent idea of the character’s backstory and motivations, but here I came away with the image of a shop window dummy in a spacesuit. She was a complete nothing. And speaking of complete nothings, the spider creatures that inhabited the moon were never properly explained and bore no relevance to the plot. And were also a bit rubbish.

4. The Story

I’ve spoken before about how interesting I find the idea of a fallible Doctor, maybe even a “bad” Doctor. This episode tried to advance this theme somewhat, with the Doctor leaving Clara with her two pals to make a vital decision- did they destroy the huge hatchling living inside the moon, or allow in to survive and possibly endanger the whole of humanity? (The correct answer here, by the way, is to destroy it- an answer so blindingly clear that it removed any of the moral gravitas the situation wanted to demand. The life of one creature versus the life of six billion people). It turned out all along that he’d known they were going to save the creature, and was basically letting Clara ride without stabilisers for the first time. When Clara confronted the Doctor about this, it was a potentially powerful moment that simply came across as pouty and stroppy on Clara’s part because of the hellish writing and the obvious lack of conflict in the big choice (I cannot stress enough how none of this is down to Coleman’s performance- even as she basically telling the Doctor to fuck off forever, Coleman kept it just about grounded). And just while we’re on the plot, too- did anyone else pick up on the weird pro-choice overtones in this episode’s central conflict? I’m on side with them, but there’s a time and a place and this was not it. The pacing was pretty dire, too- the first act was waaaay too short, with a saggy middle and an end so silly Capaldi looked embarrassed reading it.

Overall, then, I really couldn’t recommend this episode on any level. This series has had some bad episodes, sure, but they were a different kind of bad. Deep Breath had some fun introductory moments for Capaldi, while Into the Dalek had a vaguely interesting basic premise that just wasn’t that well executed (for me, at least). This was actually boring. I could have run you through almost all the basic plot after the first five minutes, because I’ve seen this before. It’s easy to fall into traps of similair plotting when your series has been running as long as it has, but, when that happens, you’ve got to distract us with something- a cool villain, interesting side characters, a sense of fun. I’m throwing it out there now by saying that Kill the Moon was one of the worst Doctor Who episodes I’ve ever seen-a flabby, scrappy, predictable story, inhabited by actors who were trying to make the best of characters who were for the time being at least, going nowhere.

And as for next week’s promo, can someone sit all the Doctor Who writers down and explain that putting a historical vehicle in space does not equal brilliant science-fiction? I’ll have you yet, Moffat.

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September 30, 2014

Fifty Shades of Grey Recap: Chapter Six + Links Bonanza

We return to the magical world of Fifty Shades just after Christian and Blana have shared their first smooch in a lift. As Ana wonders if it ever happened- Grey probably had choloform in his lip-balm, just to be on the safe side- he straps her into his SUV and plays her Sex on Fire, which is a terrible song for a terrible guy and most certainly not the first tune I heard after I lost my virginity.

He then receives a call from his brother, whose first question is if he got laid. Just like the phone conversations me and my big brother have, really, except for the part where any of that happens. I might sound like I’m bored recapping this: I am. Grey’s just being a low-level prick while Ana pouts over the fact that he won’t snog her again. Give me the juicy stuff, dammit! (Not your vagina, Ana, darling).

The first thing that really pisses me off comes after Grey drops Ana back off at the apartment that he knows she lives at despite having never visited or been given an address to. Kate, Ana’s roomate (that BITCH), is there, having just had a roll in the hay with Christian’s brother Elliot. To answer your question, he only seems marginally better than Grey, kissing her hand and saying “Laters, baby” as he leaves. Ana says Kate looks “compliant”, which conjures up images of automatons from Age of Mythology as well as being a bit inexplicable. How does someone LOOK compliant? Grey clearly has a nose for them, but Ana, the great English major, clearly has no fucking clue how words work. Can you fuck someone into general compliance, anyway? I’ve never had sex with my partner and found myself feeling willing to obey anything that anyone told me to do.

Once again, EL demonstrates her complete ignorance at how twenty-somethings communicate-

“Wow, Ana Steele finally falling for a man, and it’s Christian Grey- hot, sexy billionaire.”

“Oh yeah, it’s all about the money.” I smirk, and we both fall into a fit of giggles.

While proving once again that Ana is a fucking hoot, EL takes a second to remind us that Grey is far too good for Ana AND that he’s hot, sexy, and rich. Because we needed to have someone stiltedly reading that off cue cards in the text, again. Bleh. Kate decides to spruce Ana up for her date tonight, and it all turns into a nineteenth century courtship novel, with depillaion-

Under Kate’s tireless and frankly obtrusive instruction, my legs and underarms are shaved to perfection, my eyebrows plucked, and I am buffed all over. It has been a most unpleasant experience. But she assures me that is what men expect these days.

I accept the idea that Ana is a sexual and romantic newbie, but did it really come as a surprise that most gents prefer a shaved lady? It all comes across as making Ana out to be a beautiful untouched virgin, innocent and unschooled in the ways of sexuality and primping. Like Rachel Weisz in The Mummy, only a thousand times less intelligent and appealing.

The only known intersection in the ven diagram of people who me, my boyfriend, and my Dad all fancy.

For no apparent plot-worthy reason, Ana goes to work, then gets picked up by Grey and his driver Taylor to take her to the helipad.

Ana notices that Christian smiles warmly at an older employee at the helipad, and is pretty surprised. Honestly, when you’re surprised that your date is showing a modicum of politeness to those in his employ, it’s not the best sign. Christian straps Ana into the chopper (if only that were literal), and kisses her cheek. She talks about the muscles of her belly contracting again, and I can’t help but wonder if there’s some constipation on the go as opposed to arousal. EL seems to have a problem with having Ana just say that she’s super turned-on or horny, and has to have her use endless metaphors in an attempt to establish the depth of her lust for the man who has just told her he likes he in a harness. Ana mentions how awed she is, and Christian reveals that he prefers soaring-well, gliding to the layperson. No shit, these words are written on the page, and I should know as I’m currently trying to tear it out of the book in annoyance. All these pointless double-meanings and posh words aren’t a way of displaying intelligence, they are a way of displaying a predisposition to pretension-in the cases of both the character and the author. Ana and Christian arrive in Seattle.As he unfastens her seatbelt, for no apparent reason, Grey asks

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t to do. You know that, don’t you?”

Well, where were you last chapter when we had the whole passed-out-drunk-and-stripped naked fiasco? What follows is no less than four paragraphs- almost a whole page- describing what the apartment he’s brought her to looks like, and EL’s obsession with talking about glass continues. This exchange occurs.

“Are you hungry?”

I shake my head. Not for food.”It’s a very big place you have here.”

“Big?”

“Big.”

“It’s big” he agrees, and his eyes glow with amusement, I take another sip of wine.

“Do you play?” I point my chin at the piano.

“Yes.”

“Well?”

“Yes.”

Benedict isn’t even in character as Sherlock here. THAT’S HOW FUCKING UNSUBTLE THEIR INNUENDO IS.

I really think this is one of the scenes that will work better in the movie, as reading this sucks it desert-dry of the sexual tension and innuendo EL clearly thought it was dripping with. The formatting looks weird, the subject all over the place, and the sheer insignificance and cheesiness of the exchange makes me want to burn a library. In my head, this is just an awkward chat filled with pauses and in-law dinner time-fillers. With Ana unable to take the tension any more, especially after they exchange tidbits about Tess of the D’urbervilles (which is an excellent book that is demaned by it’s mention in these pages). Christian brings out a non disclosure agreement, asking that Ana sign it before they go any further. Aside from paperwork being the singular most sexy thing on earth (I’m doing my taxes right now, and have to take regular breaks to furiously copulate with my harem of lovers), it seems that Ana is far too horny to read anything before she signs it. An intelligent woman in control of her own destiny, ladies and gentlemen!

After explaining that he doesn’t make love, he “fucks…hard” (is it seventies porn o’clock already?), Christian offers to show Ana his playroom. She prances in, unaware that she’s actually just signed her soul in a Faustian deal with the devil and Mephistopholes is waiting within to drag her into hell. The chapter ends with an internal exclamation:

Holy Fuck.

HOLY FUCK!

LINKS!

What’s up, party people? Like you’re favourite celebrity coming out round the back to sign autographs, I’m bestowing on you a bunch of links that might be of interest. I’ll be updating the About page with these soon enough, but in case I forget, here they are. Do what you will!

Twitter- this is my twitter feed, where I post a bunch of articles from this site and others, and vent about getting up early, my cat, and politics. Follow away.

The Cutprice Jukebox- This is the sister site to the Guignol, where me and the consort review music- it’s a mixture of older bits and pieces along with a bunch of new bands of various genres, with reviews, retrospectives, and top tens a-plenty. You can like that site on Facebook here for more regular updates, and me being a little bitch about Morrissey.

The Interesting People Project- there’s a blog post about it here, because it’s a lot to explain in a few sentences. My interview heavy labour of love, featuring chats with everyone from David Firth, creator of Salad Fingers, to Vic Mignogna, noted voice actor and generally cool guy.

The Man Place– My dad, who is a much better writer than me, blogs about growing up in the sixties-everything from Action Man to playing soldiers. You can also find his other, more niche blog The Gun Place here, if you’re into learning about air pistols and the way that guns are used in movies from a bearded Aberdonian. My mother sells a fictional ebook about life in the Highlands (the genre of the book is fiction, that is- it does exist) here, and I’m sure we could dredge up a poem my brother wrote for English class one time if you want the full set of my family’s writing.

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September 29, 2014

Abysmal TV-Endings: Part III – Dexter

I done wrote an article about the terrible ending of Dexter.

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September 28, 2014

Doctor Who: Teacher Aides Rude Doctor In School-Save

I think I’ve finally worked out what I like so much about Samuel Anderson. Tonight gave me the chance to get a really good look at him as Danny Pink, and the one thing that struck me about him was his eyes. They’re almost black to look at straight on, and they have a sadness to them that brings a doe-eyed vulnerability to what could be (and indeed has been) a cheesy, cut-out role.

But it wasn’t just his eyes I noticed in this week’s entertaining romp, The Caretaker (and I’m not talking about the head-tilt and slow nod when the camera lingered on his very agreeable buttocks at the end of a scene). It was a fun episode in terms of superficial story, and an insane amount seemed to happen in those three-quarters of an hour- indeed, the first twenty minutes had enough plot and banter to fill out a whole episode satisfactorily. The plot, which involved the Doctor masquerading as a school janitor while he stalked some sort of deadly war machine thing (which looked like a repurposed Ref Bot from Robot Wars, but I digress), was a puff of air, and the real conflict came from the characters.

Danny Pink was put at the front of this episode, and it paid off. I’m swiftly falling in love with this character and the performance, and I really can’t stress enough just how lucky the creator’s got with Samuel Anderson- he’s likeable without being a pushover, and treats Clara, now his girlfriend, well without unquestioningly allowing her to put herself in danger. He’s placed at odds with the Doctor throughout the episode, and Clara finds herself trapped between the two men she loves in very different ways. The Doctor hates Danny because Danny is a soldier, and Danny hates the Doctor because the Doctor is an officer. This idea- of the Doctor being a very different kind of war-mongerer-is one that is given the proper dramatic weight that it deserves, and the nasty, scratchy atmosphere between the two adds a vital layer to what could have been a throwaway episode. I could have done without Danny front-flipping over the alien war machine at the climax of the plot, but we all knew he was going to save the day somehow, and this at least looked fucking excellent. A quip-tacular Doctor sealed the deal, with Peter Capaldi never funnier that when he’s harried.

A few seeds were sown for later episodes as well, which I enjoyed in so much as I enjoy someone repeatedly pinching me so they can inform me that I’m about to get hit by a train. Sure, I appreciate it and am broadly glad that it’s there, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t roll my eyes a tiny bit an wish for just one, straight episode. We were formally introduced to Courtney Woods, the schoolgirl at Clara’s classes who very clearly has something to do with a bigger arc because MOFFAT (I think she’s the younger version of the next assistant, because that’s the kind of shit he just loves to pull). And, more thrillingly, we saw a virtual Thick of It reunion as Chris Addison rolled up at the end of the episode to introduce a hapless policeman, who bought it at the hands of evil war machine thing earlier in the episode and was promptly forgotten about, into the afterlife. I couldn’t here much over my boyfriend’s excited mewing (like a six foot kitten, he was), but I imagine the message boards are already exploding with theories regarding his cameo. I certainly am.

Overall, the episode was a good ‘un. It was slightly forgettable, in the sense that I will not remember the story at all, but had enough great moments that will stick in my brain- the flicker of sadness over the Doctor’s face as Clara announces that she’s in love with Danny, for example. It was an episode of stellar performances, and credit must go to Samuel Anderson, who is exquisitely excellent and one of the most instantly likeable and original introductions to the series in years, for his continually stellar work. How long till you kill him off, then? I’ll have you yet, Moffar.

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September 25, 2014

Fifty Shades of Grey Recap: Chapter Five

You realise there are five hundred pages of this to get through, right? Five hundred magnificent pages in this book, which is thick enough to comfortably wrap in pastry and be called a Book Wellington? In happier news, here’s a gif from Vikings featuring Floki, giving the greatest motivational speech in television history. Finding it has been, so far, the highlight of my day (apart from, of course, the heroin).

There literally aren’t words. Except these ones.

So, as we plunge headfirst into Ana’s sopping wet personality, let’s pick up the start of chapter five. At the end of the last chapter, Christian had turned up at a bar, declared Ana drunk, and whisked her away to his hotel room where she was hilariously sick everywhere. She takes an entire page to rouse properly, and remembers the hideous events of the night before. Christian arrives, and Ana comments that his jogging bottoms hang off him “In that way” (what way? WHAT FUCKING WAY IS THAT?!), and that the thought of his sweat does strange things to her. To be fair, the thought of my lover’s sweat does strange things to me too, but most of them involve gagging and making rude comments.

They talk for a while, and it’s revealed that Christian decided NOT to take Ana back to her apartment in case she threw up in his car on the way, and undressed her while she was passed out. Let’s repeat that: he undressed her when she was passed out. This is not something a concerned stranger does. A concerned stranger calls you a cab and makes sure you get home okay. He does not travel cross-country to pick you up personally, take you to his hotel, and take your clothes off while you’re comatose. This is not how healthy relationships start. Ana notices this, stunningly.

“You didn’t have to track me down with whatever James Bond technology you’re developing for the highest bidder!” I snap. He stares at me, surprised, and , if I’m not mistaken, a little wounded.

“First, the technology to track cell phones is available over the internet.”

Let’s consider this: despite her righteous anger, Christian completely ignores the reason WHY she’s upset and goes on to patronisingly explain how things work as way of excuse. The issue at hand is not how much money he spent on tracking her phone, it’s that he felt the need to track her phone at all, after meeting her-what, twice at this point? He claims that she would have slept with Jose if he hadn’t come to save her, and then it’s just dropped. At this point, I’m getting pretty fucking angry.

Oh wait, there’s more! Christian scolds her for not eating, and tells her that if he had his way she “wouldn’t be able to sit for a week” after the “stunt she pulled”. What, getting drunk and going out with friends should be disciplined with a thrashing that the female lead has in no way consented to or encouraged, much like, I don’t know, all of Christian’s creepy actions so far? CONSISTENCY.

“My medulla oblongata has neglected to fire synapses” EL, NO TWENTY-SOMETHING TALKS OR THINKS LIKE THIS. Ana’s subconcious sounds like it was written by a fourteen-year-old with a thesaurus and an inferiority complex. After she’s started synapse firing again, he touches her face and she starts “squirming with needy, achy…discomfort”. Sounds like a bladder infection, pal.

She goes for a shower and starts fantasising about Christian feeling her up. He’s sent his bodyguard out to go and buy her new clothes, including a super-fancy bra and pants. Now, forgive me, but if a guy had done all the stuff that Christian had up until this point, and then bought me a sexy underwear that fits perfectly somehow I would probably be calling it a day roundabout then. Because he’s continually invaded Ana’s privacy and personal space in a way that she’s never really given consent to (or been in a sober enough position to give consent too). All this ignorance of the system of consent is making me want to touch my bad parts.

Christian orders them both breakfast, and scolds Ana for having her hair too damp. This is after he’s called her out of a shower to eat breakfast. She offers to pay for the clothes and return his books, but he declines “because [he] can”. Mr Charitable Starving Nations 5000, ladies and gents. Ana asks why he sent her the mysterious books, and he explains.

“”Well, when you were nearly run over by that cyclist-and I was holding you and you were looking up at me- all “Kiss me, kiss me, Christian”….I felt I owed you an apology and a warning”

I feel like this Peter Capaldi gif will be coming in very handy for these recaps.

Yes, I recall, after she was nearly mowed into a paste by that psychopathic man on a pushbike. He tells her he can’t stay away, she tells him he shouldn’t, he gasps. Actually gasps. He tells her “I’d like to bite that lip”

He’d like to bite it, too.

Ana basically squirts everywhere, saying “Jeez!” internally. He tells her he’s not going to touch her “till I have your written consent to do so”. WELL FUCKING HALLELUJAH. Yes, it’s fine for Christian to remove her from her friends against her will while apocolyptically drunk, choose not to take her to her apartment but to his hotel room, undress her, sleep next to her, and buy sexy lingerie for her, but God forbid he actually touch her without her consent. I am trying to work with you, EL, I really fucking am.

They agree to a date, but this encounter isn’t over yet! Nope, there’s still time for Christian to ostentatiously order his helicopter, Charlie Tango, and order Ana to finish her breakfast-which is now cold- because he doesn’t like wasted food. Despite, you know, ordering a wide selection of food from the room service menu which Ana clearly could not consume herself because he couldn’t be bothered being all like “Hey, Ana, what would you like for breakfast?”.

After two pages of Ana drying her hair and putting on clothes, they both step into the lift where Christian pins her up against a wall and yanks her hair and makes out with her. Then they seem to start grinding really slowly, while Ana thinks “I’m helpless”, and any sense of sexiness is lost with the notion that our heroine has basically no agency over her own sexual life. Whee, sexual revolution! The chapter draws to a finale with this edifying exchange.

“You’ve brushed your teeth” he says, staring at me.

“I used your toothbrush”

His lips quirk up in a half smile. “Oh, Anastasia Steele, what am I going to do with you?”

Buy her a fucking toothbrush, you twat.

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September 24, 2014

Doctor Who: Totally Awesome Robbery, Director Imitates Soderbergh

There was a bank heist. In space. You see, the characters of the show were in space. And they were there to carry out a bank heist. Hence: Space bank heist. I’m not sure if you’re following me here, but the events of this weeks episode revolved around a bank heist- following me?- but it was in space.

I was pretty taken with the concept behind this week’s episode alone, and, after the belter that was Listen last week, I was hoping for something that held onto the dark tone while still carrying through a tight, well-constructed plot. Time Heist did a pretty good job fulfilling both roles.

I was expecting far more of a caper than we actually got, and it did deliver on some capery aspects- the demure British bitch stock character played magnificently by Keeley Hawes made sure of that. But it was actually a pretty interesting episode aside from the premise alone- the alien that featured was legitimatley excellent, a creature that detected guilt and proceeded to literally turn your mind to soup TILL YOUR SKULL CAVED IN AND YOUR BRAIN LEAKED OUT OF YOUR EYES. It was a nifty idea, and one that was shown in gratifyingly edifying detail for a Saturday night teatime show. See, this for me is where Doctor Who provides a genuine public service- introducing children to the brilliance and subtlety that makes up really good horror. Being frightened of a TV show or a movie or an audiobook (damn you, Anthony Horowitz’s Granny) but still thoroughly enjoying them when you’re a kid leads you to binge on Joe Hill, Stephen King, Lovejoy, Ramsay, et al in your teenage years, then drops you into the deep end of great horror movies as you blossom into gory adulthood. More horror fans mean more horror movies and books made by people who understand the genre and want to create something new, which I will consume and go on about while drunk for the following eight months. Ergo, Doctor Who has played into my hands once again. The prosthetics on the creature gave in a menacing presence, and the concept was cool enough that even the slightly cheesy ending didn’t undermine how cool it was. I give it a season till we reach it’s tenth episode.

The story itself was pretty paper-thin, but interesting, mainly thanks to a fascinating supporting cast. This takeaway-carton companions thing is one that can either work spectacularly (Sally Sparrow in Blink, Madame de Pompadour in Girl in the Fireplace) or terribly (Tim McInnery in that Ood episode that I hate, Kylie Minogue aboard the Titanic), but here they allowed just enough characterisation that their fates actually came to mean something, making the heist more about just some ingenious Doctor scheme taken out of curiosity. It was a pretty non-descript episode for Clara, who got to run around scary corridors for a bit, which was pretty disappointing. Next week’s fiasco looks like it involves Danny Pink in some way, which delights me, as I’ve developed a life-threatening crush on Samuel Anderson that can only be treated by regular doses of his lovely facial features, and presumably some extra Clara as they are clearly doing the horizontal shoe shuffle.

Overall, this episode was a good one. Following from a stunning episode like Listen is always a tricky one, but Time Heist had enough Ocean’s Eleven-y fun with the premise while indulging in a lot of curious sci-fi ideas and scary moments. On a scale of the whole eight seasons, Time Heist probably wouldn’t rate particularly highly. In terms of this season, however, it’s far and away the next best episode of the season after Listen, and has thrown into sharp relief just how mediocre-at-best the start of series eight was. After a wibbly beginning, things are on the up- they better keep in that way. I’ll have you yet, Moffat.

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September 21, 2014

The New Companion’s Guide to Doctor Who, Part 2: The Doctor

Beginner’s Guide to Doctor Who continues.

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September 18, 2014

Through a Glee, Darkly: Biphobia, Transphobia and the LGBTQ Community

Because I’m a long-time hostage of the Murphchuck series Glee, it’s become a lens through which I view a lot of important TV issues. I’m planning a series of articles in the upcoming weeks about representation, discrimination, and the process of making a successful television show using Glee as my base point. It’s going to be great, and also drive me over the edge into blissful insanity. It’s a win all round! Let’s get cracking with this week’s instalment.

Glee’s big message is acceptance. If you’re gay, straight, white, black, Asian, Jewish, virginal, promiscuous, hot, hideous, or some unholy combination of the above, there is a place for you as a viewer. I hadn’t really questioned this before, as seeing specific sexualities and identities portrayed on TV in an often sympathetic and delicately handled way seemed rare enough that I felt I had to forgive the flaws that arose. That, and the fact that Chris Colfer, who plays the most prominent LGBTQ character, Kurt, is an insanely talented guy who I’m just happy to watch doing anything.

But it’s been brought to my attention, while catching up on series five, that the representation of the youth LGBTQ community seems to end after the LG. Let’s take a look at two quotes from the show- one from Kurt, delivered to his then-crush as said crush considers the possibility that he might be bisexual after kissing a girl, and enjoying it.

Kurt: Bisexual is a lie gay guys tell in high school to hold hands with girls in the corridor so they can feel normal for a change

Blaine: Whoa, why are you so angry?

Kurt: Because I look up to you! I admire how proud you are of who you are. I know what it’s like to be in the closet, and here you are about to tiptoe back in.

Later in the scene, Kurt is vaguely called out for this behaviour, but in the end it turns out he was basically right and Blaine announces himself “100% gay” after another kiss. I have no problem with characters exploring their sexuality, but there’s a hypocrisy here that suggests bisexuality is a cop-out, a way to avoid the ramifications of actually being sexually attracted to members of other genders. I’ve been extremely lucky in that the people I’ve come out to as bisexual couldn’t care less where I put my genitals, but even now I am told outright that I’m gay and lying or straight and lying.

The denial of bisexuality as a legitimate sexual identity in and of itself is a persistent one of television, even on shows that claim to represent the LGBTQ community (I’d like to take a minute to point out that Nip/Tuck, Ryan Murphy’s longest-running show, featured three significant bisexual characters-one an emotionally damaged victim and one-time cult member, one a serial killer and rapist, and one an accomplice to the latter). This also ties in to the furore about changing one’s sexual identity. Check out the shitstorm that ensued when Jessie J announced that she no longer identified as bisexual and instead was heterosexual, versus the applause and adulation Tom Daley received for confirming his status as, not bisexual, but gay. I’m not saying Daley didn’t deserve the support, because he did, but the concept of “betraying” LGBTQ-land by deciding that you are straight, or, in Glee’s case, bisexual – anything not gay -is a massive hypocrisy when we can so easily accept other changes in sexuality.

Then there’s this quote from season five, where lesbian character Santana attempts to gauge if her crush, Dani, (played by Demi Lovato, of all people) is also gay.

Santana: I had a girlfriend, and she was bi

Dani (pulls face): Any chance of you getting back together?

Sanrana: I love her, but it’s over.

Dani:I mean, it’s probably for the best. I think you need a 100% sapphic goddess.

Predictably, they get together, and Santana delivers the clincher of the episode “...and I finally have a girlfriend who I don’t have to worry about straying for penis”.

It’s a regularly circulated assumption that bisexual people can’t be monogamous. The ability to have sexual desire for multiple genders, apparently, will prohibit the ability to stick with one partner without running off for a dicksickle or a vaginapop. It should be noted that the girlfriend she’s referring to never cheated on her with anyone, let alone “strayed for penis”, and no-one comments on the stereotypical, nasty nature of the comment.

Sure, this character is meant to be the bitchy one, but Glee is so often wildly keen to cram the after-school-special, anti-bullying, anti-anti-LGBTQ stuff down it’s viewers throats that to live this pretty offensive comment floating in the middle of an episode seems pretty lax. The prior comment, about Santana needing a “100% sapphic goddess” is meant to be fun and flirty, but comes off as if Dani is suggesting that lesbians and bisexual woman cannot have as fulfilling a relationship as two outrightly lesbian women. TV Tropes does a great line in discussing the mountains of stereotypes that bisexual people face on TV and in movies (evil, slutty, slutty-evil, closeted, attention-seeking, lying….), and this non-sequitur with no basis in the canon of the show fits into a slew of narratives about bisexual people as unfaithful or unable to commit to one person, or simply unable to form a relationship as meaningful with people who do not share their orientation.

There is one bisexual character in the show, mentioned above, named Brittany. Though she rarely (I believe once in the show’s run) refers to herself as bisexual (generally favouring bi-curious, or bicorn), she forms meaningful romantic relationships with both men and a woman. Which is good. Not so good, however, is her portrayal – seriously, sensationally dumb, she’s established to believe leprechauns exist, that her cat is a slum lord (“None of your buildings are up to code. Those families are living in squalor”), that storks bring babies, and that kissing is just two friends “talking with their mouths really close”. The question of her actual ability to consent has been brought up by a handful of commentators due to her childlike intellect, and this isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement of bisexuality as an informed identity.

But wait, there’s more! There is, if you’ll notice, a T in that famous acronym. And in the last couple of seasons, Glee has addressed the transgendered community with the introduction of the excellent Alex Newell as Unique, an MTF (male-to-female) transgender teenager and the problems she faces as an out transgender high school student. This is commendable in and of itself, as the visibility of transgendered characters in pop culture is wretchedly low, and hate crime against transgendered people continues to flourish in horrible, horrible ways. In the show, phrases like “she-male” and “tranny”- which, to be clear, are pretty fucking offensive – are used without real question. Anti-gay slurs were tackled early in the series and treated in a serious way, while here Unique is told she needs to “tone it down with the whole boob thing” by Mr Schuester, set up as the great ally and crusader for these children. Introducing a serious transgender character – who isn’t there as a “trap” for a straight lead playing for laughs, or a joke, or a one-episode talking point-is a really, really good thing, but you need address the ways in which the community is being discriminated against and identify them to stop them becoming more normalised than they already are. It’s worth noting that Newell arrived on the show from spin-off reality nonsense The Glee Project, and was told in a “last-chance audition” (basically a finale where three of the kids sang a song in front of judges to retain their place in the competition) by Ryan Murphy that the creator would love to see him come out in a dress and heels.

There’s been some debate over whether Murphy was seeing dollar signs flashing in his eyes at the possibility of recruiting another “alternative” character to the series, or if he just thought Newell would fit the role. I’ll also throw in here that Nip/Tuck featured one prominent transgender character, a gay man who changed his sex in order to hook up with a straight crush, then proceeded to commit incest, trawl bars picking up high school boys and steal a baby. Again, not grand.

But it’s not just Glee who is guilty of this kind of representation. Mike and Molly was prodded angrily for featuring a transgender person who was repeatedly questioned about their genitals and referred to as a “she-male”, Two and a Half Men saw a character dump a potential new lover after discovering that he had previously been a she. Wendy Williams, high-profile talk show host, repeatedly misgendered Chaz Bono, declaring him “not as strong as a man who was born a man”. Fox News used a photo of Mrs Doubtfire in a trans-related health story. Ricky Gervais compared trans people to someone believing that they were a gerbil. Glee had a great chance to dismantle some of those deeply embedded stereotypes, but far too often stepped back and went for the easy joke, the joke that we’re comfortable with. The onus shouldn’t be on Glee alone to fix the problems with the depiction of transgender people in the media, but it still feels like they could have gone further in challenging them.

Let’s put it this way: Glee is a show that has it’s heart in the right place. It tries to represent LGBTQ characters as more than just a label, exploring their romantic and sexual relationships in an often mature and sensitive way, and a way that has helped many LGBTQ youth. That’s excellent, and I can only commend everyone involved for that. But the perpetuation of stereotypes isn’t helping anyone, especially when you only apply them to certain minority characters. It’s not enough to simply put these characters in the show, and have them face discrimination- you need to constantly question that, and draw attention to it’s invalidity. Then you can have some pride in your LGBTQ.

If you’d like to read more of my writing on sexuality, take a gander at the links below, and please consider supporting me on Patreon!

Hot Bisexuals, the Safety of Sexiness, and the Fetishization of Queer Women

Through a Glee, Darkly: Transphobia, Biphobia, and the LGBT Community

Bisexuality on Television

In and Out of the Closet: Bisexuality and Me

TV’s problem with the word “bisexual”

Inhumanity, Bisexuality, and American Horror Story: Hotel

Greey, Lying, or Slutty: Straight-Passing and Bi-Erasure

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