The Cutprice Guignol

The Ninth Year: The Haunting of Swill House
November 2, 2014

On Twitter, Gamergate, and the Trials of an Internet Debate

Recently, I’ve become a bit more active on Twitter. I find the whole concept of it fascinating and brilliant, on many levels; that ability to connect instantly with people across the world yada yada yada you’ve very probably heard this before.

I’ve been following the #gamergate hashtag with interest over the last month and a half or so. Gamergate kicked off in August, and you can read some articles about what’s been happening at the link below. Basically, the campaign ostensibly stands for the improvement of ethics in video games journalism, which I don’t think anyone would argue is a bad thing. However, it;s become a shield for some people to viscously attack those they see as enemies, for whatever reason. It’s difficult to know for sure to what extent the people who doxx (disseminate personal information, such as home addresses and emails, about the selected victim) or throw death threats at those on the apparent other side of the fence are doing so because they believe it furthers their cause (it never, never, never does, and anyone who does use these methods should know that they don’t win arguments or prove points) or simply because having a crusade provides a comforting cover.

And that’s the problem with debating things on Twitter. There are very likely hundreds upon thousands of people, with every shade of opinion, on every matter you want to talk about. In the case of gamergate, there are, broadly, the pro- and anti- side, both of which have been caught doing reprehensible and horrible things that have nothing to do with the issue at hand. It’s spun far out of control and far from any semblance of reasonable discussion, at least to the casual observer. After two months, we’re left with two extreme sides screeching at each other over the internet, while anyone trying to have a reasonable conversation in the middle is drowned out. The particularly awful screengrabs and status updates and tweets are passed around the opposing groups like porn mags, stoking more anger and annoyance and strengthening the belief that these people have to be stopped. So they respond in kind and the cycle starts again. The media cottons on to the news-worthy extremism and the scary quotes that make good headlines, and more outraged people turn up for the party with a very specific view of events. And the ball keeps rolling.

When a huge, sprawling debate like this one, and like many arguments over social media and Twitter in particular, carries on for as along as this, hundreds of thousands of people- each with varying degrees of knowledge, investment, and understanding about the cause- have chipped in. You could browse through scores of Tweets, of arguments waged across continents and months, and what you’d find there would be a mess. With a cause like this one, it’s difficult to know what individuals are really fighting for any more.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/erikkain/2014/09/04/gamergate-a-closer-look-at-the-controversy-sweeping-video-games/

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October 29, 2014

Doctor Who Dark Water: Wild Speculation Abounds

So, blogosphere, I’ve decided to forgo a review this week- basically, I thought In The Forest of The Night was an eye-rolling disappointment and thoroughly enjoyed listening to my dad shred it into comedically tiny pieces- and everything that I’ve been saying over the last eight weeks pretty much applies to this episode. Bad pacing, cluttered plot, a crammed-in enviromental message (I’m really, really, really not sure how to feel about the Doctor encouraging a girl on medication to stop taking it because the voices in her head were saving the world, because it seems wildly irresponsible. And seems to back up that widely-held theory that those with mental health problems who choose to take medication to control it- like me- are cutting off some brilliant part of themselves as opposed to taking control of an illness), not enough Danny Pink, oddly cold Doctor, and a cool idea thrown to the four winds of blah. So, this week, I’m going to share my theories about the season finale, a two-parter that kicks off next week with Dark Water. Take a drink for every time I get proved right. Expect to stay sober.

1. Danny Pink

I’ve been theorising for weeks that Missy and the Nethersphere are actually a big Maguffin, and the really twist will involve Danny Pink. Here’s my thinking: we met him in Into The Dalek, in the same week we spent some time with a soldier named Journey Blue who had lost her brother in a war at the start of the episode. There’s a link with the colours in their names, and Zawe Ashton and Samuel Anderson don’t look entirely different (big brown eyes). I think Danny was the brother who died, was sent to the Nethersphere, and offered a chance to live again if he brought Clara and the Doctor back with him. His past is mysterious- all we know is that he was a soldier who had “one bad day”, and that he very probably killed someone he feels an immense amount of guilt about-and, when we meet his grandson, it’s revealed that one of that man’s grandparents was a time-traveller. I initially assumed that this was Clara, but could it be Danny instead? Anyway, I think his plotline will involve him being turned into a cyberman upon his return to Heaven, and that may or may not be the last we see of Mr Pink. If it is the last we see of him, the series is going to have to do something spectacular to win me back.

2. Clara

We know there are hundreds of echoes of Clara all through time, so where did these echoes go? Did they die and….wind up in the Nethersphere? The trailer showed a lot of abrupt costume changes and seemingly personality changes too, and I think that a bunch of vengeful Claras have ended up in Heaven wanting to wreak revenge on the Doctor. In this theory, Missy is definitely one of these Claras, having orchestrated the whole thing to make sure she gets revenge. The Clara in this series has been an echo of the real Clara who remained trapped in the timeline (River said she would die, but maybe she got it wrong?), aged into Missy, and eventually ended up in heaven (see Missy’s “You know who I am” in the trailer). At this point, anything they can do to really stretch Jenna Coleman’s considerable talent and charm to make her a real match for Capaldi’s colder Doctor will be warmly welcomed. If it’s not this theory, then I think that all the cybermen will be Claras from various timestreams.

3. Missy

I wrote an article about my theories on Missy at the start of the series, and I still think it’s up in the air. However, I’m leaning towards The Rani, because it makes sense, and it would be really cool. She’s presumably evil, very likely experimenting on her charges, and has a beef with the Doc. I’m even going to go waaaay out there and tentatively suggest that Chris Addison is also a timelord, and both of them, after a timelocked Gallifrey was basically brought back, are still in defensive mode and believe that they need to defend themselves against another attack with cybermen. The fact that most of the victims have come from the episodes we’ve seen is to do with the fact that they’re able to manipulate the Tardis into a matter transporter to get them there, and has nothing to do with the Doctor’s guilt as I initially thought.

But then again, the episode is called Dark Water so it WILL be River.

2

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October 28, 2014

American Horror Story, and How Much of a Freakshow We Can Stomach

I wrote about American Horror Story: Freakshow and the treatment of Freaks therein.

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October 26, 2014

A New Companion’s Guide to Doctor Who, part 4: The Villains

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October 19, 2014

Doctor Who: Tiny Alien Regulates Destruction of Insubstantial Scribbles

I’d like to draw your attention to this. A dear friend of mine and long-time reader of my Fifty Shades of Grey recaps (so she politely claims in my presence, anyway) is currently fundraising for a trip to Ecuador where she’ll teach English to kids, and you should give her all your money because she’s excellent and because if you don’t I’ll think worse of you. But seriously, it’s a trip to give a all-round top-notch human female a chance to do real good, and any donations would be amazing. ‘Kay? ‘Kay.On with the review!

This week’s Doctor Who, Flatline, was a very solid episode. I’ve been saying for weeks now that this Doctor and Clara just don’t match up, and splitting them up- as they did here, with the Doctor trapped inside a miniature Tardis and Clara assuming his role as the roving, innovating saviour of the day- gave the episode a brisk, fun energy that’s been missing in Clara’s storylines of late. A huge shout out to Jenna Coleman in this episode, too, who did a trememdous job reminding us why she’s one of the finest assistants to ever grace the show’s writer’s room. Here, she took on the role of the Doctor- Matt Smith’s Doctor, specifically- which allowed her some great interactions with a very solid supporting cast.

Once again, the monsters this week- two-dimensional creatures who sucked unsuspecting victims into walls and floors and suchlike- were good, but basically irrelevant. Den of Geek pointed out in their review that the monsters for this series are increasingly becoming a framing device for the thematic elements of the show, often with great effect- Listen- but this often strips them of any real menace. I couldn’t help the nagging feeling that these creatures might have been all the more chilling in the hands of a different writer, a different showrunner, and a different director. Were they competent? Yes. But they weren’t scary, and they should have been.

Flatline was big on cool special effects- a moment where a train was absorbed into a wall, leaving nothing but the careful outline behind, was excellent- and fun sight gags, like the Doctor’s full-size hand reaching out of a miniature Tardis to give Clara some deus ex machina device to save the day. Aside from being terrifically short on Danny Pink (next week’s episode, which I am insanely pumped for, seems to feature him heavily), it was a strong entry into a patchy series.

There’s something I have to admit, though. For the first time ever, I’m not excited about watching Doctor Who. I watch these episodes because I’m waiting for something to draw me back in, to excite me enough that I find myself hunched over iPlayer waiting for the next episode to come on. Listen almost did it, but was followed by a bunch of episodes that were competent but not compelling. For me, at least, this isn’t must-see television. This is television that’s static. It’s stuck in this endless loop of cleverness and cool themes that were brought up years ago and still fail to be resolved; cleverness is a brilliant thing in a TV show, but it has to be backed up by the substance to warrant it.  Compare Moffat’s masterpiece Blink-which had a strong emotional throughline as well as a fiendishly clever plot- to this series. Nothing has roared through the screen in a trail-blazing mass of unforgettable television; everything is a whimper, not a bang. And this saddens me, because I feel like I’ve grown out of Doctor Who, maybe for good. Of course there will always be a place in my heart for the time-travelling madman, but these episodes aren’t rollicking or exciting or moving or stunning me the same way they used to. Frankly, there’s much better things to be watching at the moment (Vikings and American Horror Story, off the top of my head), and that’s bad when your show has such an original idea with seemingly endless plot possibilities. Is it salvageble? Probably, but it’s going to take big changes to make it so.

I’m far too sad to have Moffat yet. Someone get me a drink.

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October 13, 2014

Doctor Who: Terrific Adventure Raises Discussion of Inelegant Season

After last week’s fiasco of an episode (divisive though it was, I have yet to meet someone in real life who actually liked Kill the Moon), I was seriously putting off watching this week’s outing, Mummy on the Orient Express. For one, they’d once again added the suffix “In SPACE” to give an otherwise fine story a science-fiction twist (this week, the famous train was thundering through the cosmos despite the fact that everyone on the train was still dressed and acted like they were fro the 1920s). And for another, a big deal had been made of the villain, and that sends warning signals sparkling up and down my cynicism spine, as all the really good monsters have come with no fanfare whatsoever. Eventually, with much wincing and eye-rolling, I sat down to this week’s outing.

And I was pretty pleased with the results. For one thing, that Mummy-

mummy-on-the-orient-express

-Was genuinely scary. A great to-do was made (by me, on Twitter) about Doctor Who shifting to a half eight slot because this monster was just SO SCARY, and I’ve got to admit that it really was. A great, shambling, rotting creature that only appeared to those who it was about to kill, allowing them sixty-six seconds after it first materialised till their inevitable death. The idea was cool, as with many Who monsters- but for once it was carried off with style, even managing to stick the landing of actually finding out what the creature was and how to stop it, which has been a continual faltering point for writers this series. I’d put this up there amongst the better monsters of the show so far, and not just because they managed to work in an Empty Child joke (“Are you MY mummy?”) for all the fangirls like me who never got over 2005. If you’re going to do scary, do fucking scary; it seems my angry letters have finally reached the Doctor Who writer’s room.

So, the story was solid and surprisingly focused, proving my point about Clara and THIS Doctor working better when seperated once again. I like both this Doctor and Clara, but on screen together they come across as a stroppy teenager and a patronising parent in any combination almost permanently. Frank Skinner guest-starred, four words that can strike fear into the hearts of any British TV fan, and actually proved himself a surprisingly excellent addition. His mischievous cleverness gelled perfectly with the Doctor’s dour investigation, and Skinner acquitted himself admirably, earning a place amongst the best guest stars of the last few seasons. A grand deal was made of an appearance by singer Foxes, which amounted to a twenty-second background musical noodle. Lovely voice, though.

So ye: this was a great episode. But? The jury is still out on this season. And that’s a problem. We’ve had some blindingly good outings- Listen-some above-average exploits- The Janitor, Time Heist, this- and we’ve had some shockingly atrocious bits of television- Kill the Moon, mostly, but I think Deep Breath still has a lot to answer for regarding the all-over-the-place nature of this series. Part of that has come from the fact that Capaldi and Coleman have a very different chemistry than she did with Matt Smith’s Doctor, in a way that apparently wasn’t really anticipated by the writers or directors. They seem keen to wrap up her relationship with the old Doctor, when the new one needs time to establish himself free of the shackles of his predecessor. Broadly, this season has been a disappointment, as they ignored the opportunity to reboot what was a slightly ailing series at this point (would you rewatch any of Matt Smith’s final series out of choice?) and stuck to their increasingly scattershot guns. Watching this series has increasingly confirmed my suspicion that we need a new showrunner, and we need them soon. There’s no doubt Moffat is a genius of television, but he needs something new to breathe life into. Doctor Who fans have seen all of his occasionally impressive shenanigans, and it feels like time for someone else to have a shot at the wheel. A new day, a new Doctor, and preferably a new behind-the-scenes maven to apply electrodes to the show’s genitals. They’ll have you yet, Moffat.

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October 12, 2014

Behind The Creaky Door: A Horror Movie Rebuttal

“These stories frequently emphasise the element of horror because fear is our deepest and strongest emotion, and the one which best lends itself to the creation of nature-defying illusions. Horror and the unknown or the strange are always closely connected, so that it is hard to create a convincing picture of shattered natural law or cosmic alienage or “outsideness” without laying stress on the emotion of fear.” –

Notes on Writing Weird Fiction

H. P. Lovecraft, 1933

What’s behind the creaky door?

When my daughter first asked me the question “Do horror movies have to be scary?”, my immediate and unthinking response was “Yes”. And then, after a few seconds of reflection, “Actually, No.” Now, that may seem strange. Accepting that different things make different people laugh, a comedy film that isn’t funny is a failure by any standards. A musical with unmemorable tunes is destined to be quickly forgotten. A bad Rom-Com is…No wait a minute, all Rom-Coms are essentially crap, so that doesn’t really count, does it? But never mind, the question of how a horror movie that doesn’t scare can still be satisfying is a valid one.

First of all: What is a horror movie? The most common definitions (and there are several) talk about films which are intended produce a negative emotional reaction. But, I don’t think that’s the whole story. True, some horror films elicit involuntary bowel movements by jump scares and the liberal use of giblets. But the best do more, playing as much on our curiosity and instinctive fears of the unknown as on trying directly to scare us. Wondering what’s causing the strange noises upstairs is a strong element in any good horror movie, even if the solution isn’t necessarily frightening. So, I’d suggest that a horror movie is one that prompts curiosity and dread of the unknown as much as overt fear or scares.

Personally, I don’t think that a film must include supernatural elements to qualify as horror. And excessive and exuberant violence isn’t enough on its own, though many good horror films contain both. But a horror film must contain or at least hint at some sort of strangeness. For example, Alien (1979) is a horror film, in my view. And it contains no supernatural elements at all. But it is scary.

That it’s set in space and in the future don’t really matter. Sci-fi and horror are genres which regularly cross-over, partly because neither are constrained by narrow conventions. In either genre, when the hero or heroine finally pushes open that creaky door at the top of the stairs/opens the rusty airlock, there could be anything behind it at all. From a time-travelling, shape-shifting zombie to a dear, sweet, little old lady (who may also turn out to be a time-travelling, shape-shifting zombie). Just like Mr Lovecraft’s Weird Fiction, these movies can explore strangeness without the “galling limitations” of most other genres.

And for me it’s that exploration of the unknown rather than the final solution that defines the horror film. Fear and the unknown are closely linked, which is one of the reasons horror films can be frightening. The first film ever to scare me rigid was The Innocents (1961). The film contains virtually no violence and no scenes that are overtly frightening. The fear comes from the unknown, principally from not knowing whether the ‘ghosts’ exist at all or are simply a product of the overheated imagination of the main character. It is, without doubt, a horror film. As is George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead (1968). But Romero’s follow-up, Dawn of the Dead (1978) isn’t. Why? Because the zombies are no longer strange and unknown. They are a frightening but comprehensible external threat, a deus ex machina whose role and function is understood at the beginning of the movie. Not that Dawn of the Dead isn’t a cracking movie – it is. I just don’t believe it’s a horror film. But though it must deal with elements of the unknown, I don’t feel that a horror film has to be frightening to be effective. I believe that ultimate test of this comes from repeated viewing. There are a number of horror films which I have seen several times, and which I still enjoy. Most simply aren’t scary after the first viewing, but if they’re deftly made they can still be entertaining and satisfying more than once. I have lost count of the number of times I have watched An American Werewolf in London (1981), and I enjoy it every time. It’s certainly a horror film, but I don’t find it even faintly scary. Horror films deal with the broadest themes and those that find an echo in most people. Fear is often a part of the experience of watching the best horror films, but it isn’t essential and it’s lack doesn’t mean that a horror film can’t be engaging and effective. So, not all horror films have to be scary and not all scary films are horror. But to be a horror film, a movie must deal with the unfamiliar and the strange. And if it’s scary too, well, that’s probably because there is nothing we fear so much as the unknown. Ultimately, the nature of the thing behind the creaky door doesn’t really matter and doesn’t define a film as horror or not. It’s the journey to the door itself that makes and defines the genre.

Thanks to my Dad, Stephen MacGregor, horror buff, freelance writer, and owner of The Gun Place.

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October 4, 2014

Doctor Who: Teen Asists Radically Dull Interstellar Shenanigans

Well, we had a good run. From Listen to School space robot nonsense, we got three episodes that were, at worst, pretty good, and at best magnificent. And I must admit I was sceptical of Kill the Moon all week-it looked far too much like a cut-and-paste version of handfuls of previous episodes. Doctor and company arrive on a spaceship where they soon realise events are not going as historically planned; against-the-clock shenanigans ensue; everyone goes home. And, to be fair, that’s what I got.

But this episode bored the crap out of me. I’m almost glad I didn’t hold off on watching it till I was with my regular viewing party, as I had a lot more fun pausing the episode to play with my cat for brief periods and sighing loudly than I did actually watching those forty-seven minutes. I’m going to start from the top with a run-down of everything I think was wrong with this episode, because, aside from a vaguely cool design on the moon, I couldn’t find much to enjoy.

1. Clara

It’s a shame for Jenna Coleman, as she really has proved herself an entirely competent actress a number of times over the series. Here, however, the script threw raging inconsistencies her way that put everything off kilter. For example, it’s revealed that Courtney- the fifteen-year-old schoolgirl the Doctor whisked off into space at the close of last week’s episode- has been acting out because the Doctor says she wasn’t “special”. Courtney breaks into the Tardis, demands he take it back, and the Doctor instead offers to make her the first woman on the moon (?). Now, let’s consider that Clara and the Doctor’s adventures are, at least, quite often life-threateningly dangerous, and the last time Clara took kids in her care anywhere, they wound up with cyberman brain slugs attached to their minds. And they just went to a theme park. Why in the name of fucking hell would Clara decide it was alright to bring Courtney along on their adventure? Courtney winds up in mortal danger during her trip and Clara snaps “I HAVE A DUTY OF CARE” to the Doctor when he refuses to remove her from trouble. Not bringing your students to space with a time-travelling alien might be a plan next time, pal. It might seem like nitpicking here, but it’s these kinds of inconsistencies-purely there to drive the plot forward- that undermine the validity of her character. Why would she do that? She wouldn’t. But they needed her to so there could be a story. And that’s cheating.

2. Courtney

I must say that the wee lassie playing Courtney actually did a reasonable job, by which I mean she was a child actor who I didn’t want to cheerily throw to a pack of lions. But the script for her was jaw-droppingly bad- at once she was cowering from the evil spider monsters (who were crap and not scary at all), the next she was uploading pictures of her and the Doctor on the moon to tumblr because YOOF. She was clearly aware of and actively participated in the situation when she was in the room, but when she was placed back on the Tardis she simply whined about being bored, despite having been fully cognizant of the seriousness of the situation only minutes before. I’d also like to point out that Clara has tried for a long time to keep her life as the Doctor’s companion quiet- why would she invite ONE OF HER STUDENTS, established at the start of the episode to be feeling somewhat neglected and unimportant and with evidence of alien tech (she had the Doctor’s psychic paper), into space where she then took pictures? It won’t be fucking secret for very long if you go about like that. There was an implication, too, that Courtney just carries about a bottle of disinfectant with her at all times, which I know to be a lie. I was young once too, you know.

3. Sundry Characters

I’m not going to waste my precious time looking up their names, but the episode also featured three other characters who were sent to the moon to try and destroy it. Aside from showing no visible surprise when the Tardis and it’s occupants appeared on their spaceship (nor any explanation as to why it was crashing, either), two of them bought in via spider bacteria death, and the remaining one was barely sketched in. Usually, as in the Into the Dalek episode, we get a decent idea of the character’s backstory and motivations, but here I came away with the image of a shop window dummy in a spacesuit. She was a complete nothing. And speaking of complete nothings, the spider creatures that inhabited the moon were never properly explained and bore no relevance to the plot. And were also a bit rubbish.

4. The Story

I’ve spoken before about how interesting I find the idea of a fallible Doctor, maybe even a “bad” Doctor. This episode tried to advance this theme somewhat, with the Doctor leaving Clara with her two pals to make a vital decision- did they destroy the huge hatchling living inside the moon, or allow in to survive and possibly endanger the whole of humanity? (The correct answer here, by the way, is to destroy it- an answer so blindingly clear that it removed any of the moral gravitas the situation wanted to demand. The life of one creature versus the life of six billion people). It turned out all along that he’d known they were going to save the creature, and was basically letting Clara ride without stabilisers for the first time. When Clara confronted the Doctor about this, it was a potentially powerful moment that simply came across as pouty and stroppy on Clara’s part because of the hellish writing and the obvious lack of conflict in the big choice (I cannot stress enough how none of this is down to Coleman’s performance- even as she basically telling the Doctor to fuck off forever, Coleman kept it just about grounded). And just while we’re on the plot, too- did anyone else pick up on the weird pro-choice overtones in this episode’s central conflict? I’m on side with them, but there’s a time and a place and this was not it. The pacing was pretty dire, too- the first act was waaaay too short, with a saggy middle and an end so silly Capaldi looked embarrassed reading it.

Overall, then, I really couldn’t recommend this episode on any level. This series has had some bad episodes, sure, but they were a different kind of bad. Deep Breath had some fun introductory moments for Capaldi, while Into the Dalek had a vaguely interesting basic premise that just wasn’t that well executed (for me, at least). This was actually boring. I could have run you through almost all the basic plot after the first five minutes, because I’ve seen this before. It’s easy to fall into traps of similair plotting when your series has been running as long as it has, but, when that happens, you’ve got to distract us with something- a cool villain, interesting side characters, a sense of fun. I’m throwing it out there now by saying that Kill the Moon was one of the worst Doctor Who episodes I’ve ever seen-a flabby, scrappy, predictable story, inhabited by actors who were trying to make the best of characters who were for the time being at least, going nowhere.

And as for next week’s promo, can someone sit all the Doctor Who writers down and explain that putting a historical vehicle in space does not equal brilliant science-fiction? I’ll have you yet, Moffat.

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September 30, 2014

Fifty Shades of Grey Recap: Chapter Six + Links Bonanza

We return to the magical world of Fifty Shades just after Christian and Blana have shared their first smooch in a lift. As Ana wonders if it ever happened- Grey probably had choloform in his lip-balm, just to be on the safe side- he straps her into his SUV and plays her Sex on Fire, which is a terrible song for a terrible guy and most certainly not the first tune I heard after I lost my virginity.

He then receives a call from his brother, whose first question is if he got laid. Just like the phone conversations me and my big brother have, really, except for the part where any of that happens. I might sound like I’m bored recapping this: I am. Grey’s just being a low-level prick while Ana pouts over the fact that he won’t snog her again. Give me the juicy stuff, dammit! (Not your vagina, Ana, darling).

The first thing that really pisses me off comes after Grey drops Ana back off at the apartment that he knows she lives at despite having never visited or been given an address to. Kate, Ana’s roomate (that BITCH), is there, having just had a roll in the hay with Christian’s brother Elliot. To answer your question, he only seems marginally better than Grey, kissing her hand and saying “Laters, baby” as he leaves. Ana says Kate looks “compliant”, which conjures up images of automatons from Age of Mythology as well as being a bit inexplicable. How does someone LOOK compliant? Grey clearly has a nose for them, but Ana, the great English major, clearly has no fucking clue how words work. Can you fuck someone into general compliance, anyway? I’ve never had sex with my partner and found myself feeling willing to obey anything that anyone told me to do.

Once again, EL demonstrates her complete ignorance at how twenty-somethings communicate-

“Wow, Ana Steele finally falling for a man, and it’s Christian Grey- hot, sexy billionaire.”

“Oh yeah, it’s all about the money.” I smirk, and we both fall into a fit of giggles.

While proving once again that Ana is a fucking hoot, EL takes a second to remind us that Grey is far too good for Ana AND that he’s hot, sexy, and rich. Because we needed to have someone stiltedly reading that off cue cards in the text, again. Bleh. Kate decides to spruce Ana up for her date tonight, and it all turns into a nineteenth century courtship novel, with depillaion-

Under Kate’s tireless and frankly obtrusive instruction, my legs and underarms are shaved to perfection, my eyebrows plucked, and I am buffed all over. It has been a most unpleasant experience. But she assures me that is what men expect these days.

I accept the idea that Ana is a sexual and romantic newbie, but did it really come as a surprise that most gents prefer a shaved lady? It all comes across as making Ana out to be a beautiful untouched virgin, innocent and unschooled in the ways of sexuality and primping. Like Rachel Weisz in The Mummy, only a thousand times less intelligent and appealing.

The only known intersection in the ven diagram of people who me, my boyfriend, and my Dad all fancy.

The only known intersection in the ven diagram of people who me, my boyfriend, and my Dad all fancy.

For no apparent plot-worthy reason, Ana goes to work, then gets picked up by Grey and his driver Taylor to take her to the helipad.

Ana notices that Christian smiles warmly at an older employee at the helipad, and is pretty surprised. Honestly, when you’re surprised that your date is showing a modicum of politeness to those in his employ, it’s not the best sign. Christian straps Ana into the chopper (if only that were literal), and kisses her cheek. She talks about the muscles of her belly contracting again, and I can’t help but wonder if there’s some constipation on the go as opposed to arousal. EL seems to have a problem with having Ana just say that she’s super turned-on or horny, and has to have her use endless metaphors in an attempt to establish the depth of her lust for the man who has just told her he likes he in a harness. Ana mentions how awed she is, and Christian reveals that he prefers soaring-well, gliding to the layperson. No shit, these words are written on the page, and I should know as I’m currently trying to tear it out of the book in annoyance. All these pointless double-meanings and posh words aren’t a way of displaying intelligence, they are a way of displaying a predisposition to pretension-in the cases of both the character and the author. Ana and Christian arrive in Seattle.As he unfastens her seatbelt, for no apparent reason, Grey asks

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t to do. You know that, don’t you?”

Well, where were you last chapter when we had the whole passed-out-drunk-and-stripped naked fiasco? What follows is no less than four paragraphs- almost a whole page- describing what the apartment he’s brought her to looks like, and EL’s obsession with talking about glass continues. This exchange occurs.

“Are you hungry?”

I shake my head. Not for food.”It’s a very big place you have here.”

“Big?”

“Big.”

“It’s big” he agrees, and his eyes glow with amusement, I take another sip of wine.

“Do you play?” I point my chin at the piano.

“Yes.”

“Well?”

“Yes.”

Benedict isn't even in character as Sherlock here. THAT'S HOW FUCKING UNSUBTLE THEIR INNUENDO IS.

Benedict isn’t even in character as Sherlock here. THAT’S HOW FUCKING UNSUBTLE THEIR INNUENDO IS.

I really think this is one of the scenes that will work better in the movie, as reading this sucks it desert-dry of the sexual tension and innuendo EL clearly thought it was dripping with. The formatting looks weird, the subject all over the place, and the sheer insignificance and cheesiness of the exchange makes me want to burn a library. In my head, this is just an awkward chat filled with pauses and in-law dinner time-fillers. With Ana unable to take the tension any more, especially after they exchange tidbits about Tess of the D’urbervilles (which is an excellent book that is demaned by it’s mention in these pages). Christian brings out a non disclosure agreement, asking that Ana sign it before they go any further. Aside from paperwork being the singular most sexy thing on earth (I’m doing my taxes right now, and have to take regular breaks to furiously copulate with my harem of lovers), it seems that Ana is far too horny to read anything before she signs it. An intelligent woman in control of her own destiny, ladies and gentlemen!

After explaining that he doesn’t make love, he “fucks…hard” (is it seventies porn o’clock already?), Christian offers to show Ana his playroom. She prances in, unaware that she’s actually just signed her soul in a Faustian deal with the devil and Mephistopholes is waiting within to drag her into hell. The chapter ends with an internal exclamation:

Holy Fuck.

HOLY FUCK!

HOLY FUCK!

LINKS!

What’s up, party people? Like you’re favourite celebrity coming out round the back to sign autographs, I’m bestowing on you a bunch of links that might be of interest. I’ll be updating the About page with these soon enough, but in case I forget, here they are. Do what you will!

Twitter- this is my twitter feed, where I post a bunch of articles from this site and others, and vent about getting up early, my cat, and politics. Follow away.

The Cutprice Jukebox- This is the sister site to the Guignol, where me and the consort review music- it’s a mixture of older bits and pieces along with a bunch of new bands of various genres, with reviews, retrospectives, and top tens a-plenty. You can like that site on Facebook here for more regular updates, and me being a little bitch about Morrissey.

The Interesting People Project- there’s a blog post about it here, because it’s a lot to explain in a few sentences. My interview heavy labour of love, featuring chats with everyone from David Firth, creator of Salad Fingers, to Vic Mignogna, noted voice actor and generally cool guy.

The Man Place– My dad, who is a much better writer than me, blogs about growing up in the sixties-everything from Action Man to playing soldiers. You can also find his other, more niche blog The Gun Place here, if you’re into learning about air pistols and the way that guns are used in movies from a bearded Aberdonian. My mother sells a fictional ebook about life in the Highlands (the genre of the book is fiction, that is- it does exist) here, and I’m sure we could dredge up a poem my brother wrote for English class one time if you want the full set of my family’s writing.

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September 29, 2014

Abysmal TV-Endings: Part III – Dexter

I done wrote an article about the terrible ending of Dexter.

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