It would be remiss of me, in this recap of a debut book, not to mention that my very own debut novel Rape Jokes is coming out in just TWO DAYS OH MY GOD. You can still get it at a pre-release discount till then right here – it’s about rape, sexual dysfunction, misogyny, and harassment, so it’s all round a bundle of laughs. Less child abuse than Harry Potter, so…upsides? Anyway.
I’m not going to lie to you, good fam: I’ve been putting this chapter off because I KNOW it’s going to be a doozy, and maybe because my book? Is coming out? In ten days? And I’m so excited I can’t think? But hey, I’ve got a couple of hours free, a freshly-brewed pot of tea, and some just-baked vegan cookies. Now is as good a time as any to dive into the second-last chapter of the Philosopher’s Stone, and prepare to bid farewell to Harry and company for good. Well, you know, until the next time I walk past that giant Harry Potter megastore in the centre of my city. These books are fucking everywhere is what I’m saying.
Alright. If you happen to follow any of my social media (Twitter, mostly), you’ll know that I’ve had a hell of a fucker of a week, and honestly I just want to dive head-first into this book and forget any of it happened while I talk about banging random members of the adult cast of this story. Oh look, here comes one now!
We’re back, we’re a little depressed, we’re drinking monumental amounts of tea and we’re spending the rest of this evening building a bookcase so we can trick our dumb brain into thinking we did something productive today. But most importantly, we’re rounding the final bend on my Harry Potter recaps – check out the last recap right here, and let’s dive straight in to the next chapter!
Iiiiiiiiiit’s Saturday night! And you know what that means: while I recline under my couch-duvet with my cat and my partner and lightly snark on a Supernatural rewatch, I’m going to have a poke at the next chapter of Harry Potter and drink this large cup of chamomile tea and try not to let my cat spill it on me because she’s a bitch like that.
Pictured: a bitch like that
Hurrah! We’re back with another Harry Potter recap on this fine fucking freezing Sunday morning, so let’s get right into it. Oh, shit, more importantly: my book is available for pre-order as of RIGHT THE FUCK NOW and you should get on that please and so many thank yous. Here’s where we left off last time if you need reminding. To the chapter!
The cat’s down for a nap, I have a cup of tea and a fully-charged vape next to me, and I am ready to rock and roll with this recap so I can spend the rest of this evening doing this:
Well, welcome to 2019 one and all! I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season, and that you’ll come join me for another seven chapters of hungering lustily over Rubeus Hagrid, #BaeOfGiants2K19 squad where ARE you at.
Hey, look at me, getting two recaps out in the space of two weeks! It’s almost like I’ve actually got a handle on this blogging lark. Only took me six years. On with the recap!
And we’re back! For those who only come for these recaps and confused by the delay, I had a whoooole lot of recapping projects on the go (Doctor Who, Riverdale, American Horror Story, Vikings) and something needed to slow down for a little bit, so Harry Potter took the hit. But I’m clambering back on the Griffin again right here and now, and I’m very excited to plunge headfirst into another chapter of my odd psychosexual obsession with Hagrid. I mean, the book. The book. Yeah, we’ll go with that (#BaeOfGiants2K18).
The Cutprice Guignol 