The Cutprice Guignol

I must admit, I think recapping Fifty Shades Darker has been a damn sight harder than Fifty Shades of Grey. Not because I hate these recaps or want them to die or anything- just that the second book in the series feels like the second book in the series, and despite home invasions and the tantalising possibility of death for both Ana and Christian, it’s pretty fucking boring. When she’s not cramming abuse or horrifically unsexy sex into her novels (“novels”) EL James struggles to do anything else even half-interesting to fill the page. So, with that jolly thought in mind, on with the recap.

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It’s been one of those weeks- the kind of weeks where stress piles upon stress piles upon stress, and before you know it it’s time to write another Fifty Shades Darker recap, fight the cat away from the actual book you’re reading, then sleep till Monday morning. We all have those weeks, right? I have some boozy gingerbeer and good company awaiting me when this is over, so let’s spend a lazy Saturday together picking this apart once more. Because I love you.

We left off with Ana bidding the money Christian forced on her at a charity auction. Christian is not best pleased.

“Christian leans over to me, a large fake smile plastered across his face. He kisses my cheek and then moves closer to whisper in my ear in a very cold, controlled voice.”

”

I had THE BIGGEST crush on Jude Law in this movie. The. Biggest.

Mmm, I love it when my man talks to me like a malfunctioning Gigolo Joe bot from AI. He grabs her hand and pulls it on to his dick- bare in mind, they’re sitting at a table with his grandparents, parents, and many other guests- and she starts giving him a rub job right there and then. And not a subtle one, either-

“Taking full advantage, I slowly caress him, letting my fingers explore. Christian keeps his hand over mine, hiding my bold fingers, while his thumb skates softly over the nape of my neck. His mouth opens as he gasps softly…”

So, yeah, everyone knows exactly what’s happening because these dicks have literally no sexual boundaries. “Everything south of [her] navel contracts” again, so I assume she just tips off the chair like a Barbie you can’t get to stand up properly. Christian is about to drag her off for some banging when his sister arrives to take Ana to the first dance auction.

Ana is nervous, but Mia reminds her that Christian will absoloutely for sure not be letting anyone else dance with her, so we’re back to the middle-schoolers exchanging dramatic texts in their lunch hour again. The announcer gets absurdly creepy:

““Now, gentlemen, pray gather round, and take a good look at what could be yours for the first dance. Twelve comely and compliant wenches.””

I don’t care if this is all for fun, actual, legitimate boke at “comely and compliant.” Because all you want a woman to be is hot and agreeable, right? The auction begins, and Mia casually mentions the fact that Christian was a “brawler” in his youth. Ana internally notes that “another piece of the jigsaw falls into place”, which doesn’t really make sense until you realize that she’s referencing Christian’s predilection for non-consensual violence. Ana is called up for auction, and Christian immediately bids ten thousand dollars- which is pretty much triple what any of the other women went for. But wait, some else has bid fifteen thousand!

Ana simply DIES at how EMBARRASSING it is as a bidding war breaks out over her. Shut the fuck up, Ana, we all know you’re the prettiest but also so OBLIVIOUS to your PRETTINESS which makes you NOT LIKE THEM OTHER GIRLS. Christian bids one hundred thousand, wins, and drags Ana off to bone, commenting:

““I’m sure it’ll be worth every single cent.””

Haha, you remember when Ana was complaining about him making her feel like a prostitute? Me neither. He takes her to his old bedroom, where posters for Fight Club and The Matrix are hanging (of COURSE they are, of fucking COURSE they are, Jesus, for someone who’s so soppphiiiistimmcaaated he sure picked the two most generic movie posters to slap up in his bedroom). He tells her that he’s going to spank her, but only on the promise that she’ll use her safeword. Look, just a page or so ago, Ana mentions that she’s had four glasses of wine plus champagne, and I’m not saying that Christian is deliberatley waiting till she’s intoxicated to push her boundaries, just that he’s openly done that before and we should bear that in mind.

He spanks her, then jams his fingers in her and she comes immediatley. He puts on a condom, and whispers the words every woman dreams of hearing in the bedroom into her ear-

““This is going to be quick, baby”

I have this horrible feeling that this is the picture that will display when I post this to my Facebook, and suddenly my mum will have a vested interest in reading these recaps.

Christian lasts six lines, and they head back to the dancefloor. Yeah, like no one knew what you were just doing. They dance to “I’ve Got You Under my Skin,” and Christian mentions how fitting it is;

Welcome back to the Slitheen Banter, we’ve all missed you.

Christian’s therapist, Doctor Flynn, who will be played by Hugh Dancy in the movies (HUGH WHY NOOOO), asks for a dance, and Christian allows it. Flynn makes some light conversation;

““I’m glad to finally meet you, Anastasia. Are you enjoying yourself?” he asks.

“I was,” I whisper.”

Oh God I miss Hannibal so much

Well, fuck you too, Ana. I still don’t get why everyone sees her as this wildly charming, sweet, intelligent young woman, when she’s repeatedly been rude, dumb and awkward around pretty much everyone Christian’s introduced her to. Ana admits she just wants to ask him about Christian, and Flynn flippantly replies that they’d be there till Christmas. Obviously Ana doesn’t get the joke, and when, he politely explains it to her:

““You’ve just confirmed what I’ve been saying to Christian . . . that you’re an ex-
pensive charlatan””

Wow, much charming, so kind. He “snorts” his words twice in ten lines, which is an amusing image, and is obviously chaaaaaaaaaarmed by EL James Ana and her seductive methods of constant sullen insults (to be fair, that did work for me) .Ana jokes with Christian that Flynn told her everything, and we get this:

“Christian tenses. “Well, in that case, I’ll get your bag. I’m sure you want nothing more to do with me,” he says softly.

I stop. “He didn’t tell me anything!” My voice fills with panic.

Christian blinks before relief floods his face. He pulls me into his arms again. “Then let’s enjoy this dance.””

Fuck, do these two need a slap. Like, as a couple. Not a sexy-spanking-time one, but an actual, honest-to-goodness slap. Why can’t they get through a fucking conversation-with each other or anyone else- without dragging their deep, dark, paaaaainful secrets into it? Is it because without them, we might notice that they’re actually thick, pretentious, hollow shells of characters and not the greatest people of all time as the author would have you believe? We keep on being told how much everyone loves them and how wonderful they both are, except that we’re only really shown them being sullen, rude, indescribably moody and almost comically dramatic. I guess if we stop raking over the fizzling coals of Christian’s “problems”, the reader might suddenly notice that the two of them are amongst the most unintentionally unlikable leading characters ever to turn up in any fiction book ever. I mean, Patrick Bateman ain’t got nothing on this pair, and he put a rat up a dead woman’s vagina. Just sayin’.

They dance some more, and then Mrs Robinson appears to talk to Ana. Mrs Robinson tells her that Christian is in love with her, something which staggers Ana:

“A hundred images dance through my head: the iPad, the gliding, flying to see me, all his actions, his possessiveness, one hundred thousand dollars for a dance. Is this love?”

No. No it FUCKING isn’t. Jesus, is that concept ingrained so much into our culture that this line genuinely didn’t bother most readers of the book? Is it so normal for a man to exercise horrifying jealousy, to stalk his partner (because, yeah, that’s what the “flying to see me” was about), and to throw money at her till she loves him that this sentence is seen as Ana acknowledging how much he loves her, and not how much she desperately needs to get away? “So, yeah, this new guy I’m seeing, his way possesive and forces shit that I’ve actively told him I don’t want on me”. “Sounds like a catch, has he got a friend?” Fucking hell.

Mrs Robinson tells her that she wishes them the best but that if Ana breaks his heart, she’ll come after her. And Ana actually gets in a moderate zinger:

“”And maybe I’ll give you a taste of your own medicine on behalf of the fifteen-year-old child you molested and probably fucked-up even more than he already was.””

I mean, it implies that she’s going to molest her right back, but still, it’s something! Ana storms over to Christian and tells him that she doesn’t want him talking to Mrs Robinson any more, which is probably a fine idea. Ana goes to the bathroom, and comes out to find Christian telling Mrs Robinson to stay away from her. On the phone, for some reason, even though she’s still at the party. Then Ana calls her old, and we’re back to thinking her age and her once-sexual involvement with Christian is the worst thing about her.

Carrick, Christian’s father, asks Ana for a dance, and they discuss Christian’s traumatic childhood. God, is Ana good at a party! The party draws to a close with some fireworks, and Ana basically grins herself to death with excitement. Mia, Christian’s sister, tries to convince them to stay, but Christian insists on leaving. Mia is dissapointed;

““You must come by sometime next week. Maybe we can hit the mall?”

“Sure, Mia.” I grin, though in the back of my mind I’m wondering how since I have to work for a living.”

OH WHAT’S THAT COMING FROM THE GIRL WHO LIVED OFF HER SO-CALLED BEST FRIEND’S MONEY ALL THE WAY THROUGH COLLEGE, I DON’T THINK I CAUGHT IT OVER THE SOUND OF THAT FUCKING IRONY. Anyway, Christian says they have a big day, and once they’re alone, Ana asks why. He tells her that his Doctor is coming round to give her the contraceptive shot.

““It’s my body,” I mutter, annoyed that he hasn’t asked me.

“It’s mine, too,” he whispers.”

A late one, but truly appropriate.

Look, I don’t know how I can spell this out more clearly: CHRISTIAN. DOES. NOT. CARE. ABOUT. ANA’S. BODILY. AUTONOMY. He straight-up does not give shit. He considers her body his own and, since he doesn’t like wearing condoms, that means she’s getting the contraceptive shot (which can come with side effects, but WHO CARES). Instead of breaking his fucking nose like she’s entitled to, Ana thinks this:

“Yes,  my body is his . . . he knows it better than I do.”

There are so many points that I have wanted to rage-quit this series, but this is one of the most potent. Like, seriously? This is what woman should be desiring? Literally handing over their bodily autonomy to a guy who can’t tell that a woman crying during sexual activity might mean she’s not into it? I wouldn’t trust him with my fucking laptop, let alone my reproductive system.

They get to the car, and Ana finds a note for Mrs Robinson being all, “yo, I misjudged you, you’re amazing and awesome and the prettiest ever and you totally deserve the lead in the school play”, or fucking something, I’ve kind of gone cross-eyed with rage. Ana thinks about how Mrs Robinson “cares for him deeply”, and we’re once again missing the point that if she truly cared for him deeply she wouldn’t have molested him as a child.

They get back to the apartment, and discover that Ana’s car has had it’s tires slashed and paint thrown on it. The bodyguards go into the apartment ahead of them, and Christian barrels in like the idiot he is, ordering Ana to stay outside.

“Holy shit. Christian! All manner of horrific outcomes run through my mind, but all I can do is stand and wait.”

I promise you, Ana, nothing is as horrific as the outcome that would occur if I got my fucking hands on him. Till next time, folks!

Aaaaaand we’re back. There’s been some kind of glitch in the Matrix where I live in Scotland, so I’ve spent this week basking on riverbanks and drinking alcoholic ginger beer like some sort of boozy Famous Five. But alas, the good times must come to an end, and Fifty Shades Darker beckons me back to it’s doom-filled bosom once again. We left off last week with- Oh God, this chapter opens with a sex scene. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse.

Christian and Ana are getting down to the dirty, as they never stop doing, after Christian showed Ana where it was and wasn’t okay to touch him on his body.

“Boy, I want him inside me, now.”

BOW HOWDY MISTA. Why does Ana’s inner monologue sound like a cheeky fifties schoolboy asking for candy? Her nipples grow hard and “elongate” under his touch which, um, isn’t how any of this works, but alright.

““You’re so wet.” His voice is filled with wonder.”

And once again, doubt is cast over whether Christian has ever actually aroused a woman before.  She goes on top, and is lost to a void of pleasure etc (seriously, the flowery sex language is so jarring that I’m not sure how anyone isn’t distracted enough to get aroused)

“Up and down . . . again and again . . . Oh yes . . .”.

Yup, try and keep it in your panties, ladies, because I know we’re all squirting like broken fire hydrants right now.

““My Ana,” he mouths.

“Yes,” I rasp. “Always.””

Rasping: the sexist noise, and certainly not just the one I spent the last week making because I have a fucking chest infection. Just picture the scene: Christian mouthing shit at Ana like one ear hasn’t popped yet, while she replies in a voice that sounds like that guy who sang Roxanne in Moulin Rouge.

They come, and literally half a page later Christian starts on this:

““All those boys pursuing you—that isn’t enough of a clue?”

“Boys? What boys?”

“You want the list?” Christian frowns. “The photographer, he’s crazy about you, that boy in the hardware store, your roommate’s older brother. Your boss,” he adds bitterly.

“Oh, Christian, that’s just not true.”

“Trust me. They want you. They want what’s mine.””

Hitting it early today.

They’re still cuddling in bed at this point. He’s literally just pulled out of her, and he’s already starting with the “WEH WEH BOYS FANCY YOU AND IT’S NOT FAIR” malarkey again. How unreasonably pathetic is that? If Christian Grey is an “alpha” then I’d hate to see what a “beta” comprises of. A literal pile of goo that accuses you of friendzoning?

Also, why is he getting pissed at Ana for this? It’s not her fault people find her attractive, though God knows why. This is one of the nastiest parts of Christian possesiveness; treating Ana as if the reactions of other people are her fault (remember in the first book when he threw a hissy over Jose calling her?). This isn’t Ana’s problem, it’s Christian’s, but of course he’s making it her fault because he’s a fucking man-child who can’t face up to any of his own faults. Also strange: Ana denying these men were into her. She knows they were- she ackowledged it in the first book. It’s just character inconsistency, but it feels a lot like Ana backtracking to try and assuage Christian’s anger at her, which is some nasty bullshit.

Christian takes off the condom and drops it on the floor- which is completely fucking disgusting, by the way- and then he just threatens Ana’s bodily autonomy a little, you know, pillow chat:

““I hate those things. I’ve a good mind to call Dr. Greene around to give you a shot.””

A contraceptive shot, to be clear, not that Ana has ever expressed a desire for one. We gloss straight over that, and Ana touches him some more in his “allowed” zones, and then they fuck (off-screen, mercifully).

We cut to Ana in the shower, and she’s thinking about Mrs Robinson-and she actually gets angry for a bit, cursing her out for taking advantage of a child and fucking him up even further, which is about time. Then she gets out of the shower and puts on some sexy clothes for the event she’s attending with Christian and his family that evening, which is way more important, and Christian comes in and ogles her some.

He’s got some vibrating sexy-time balls, and suggests Ana put them up herself while they go out to the big masked ball that they’re off to. Look. I don’t know what you’re into, but the thought of having a vibrator up me for the duration of a family gathering doesn’t really get me hot. What if they fell out? Or someone heard the vibrating? Or I had an uncontrollable, screeching orgasm in the middle of dinner? Considering Ana’s “every time the wind changes” orgasm control, I’m surprised this hasn’t crossed Christian’s mind.

Pictured: Ana’s orgasm after someone leans over her to get something.

Ana agress, and Christian inserts the balls (ugh, not alright), and they head off. Ana spends two full paragraphs talking about her great she looks- “worthy of the red carpet”- because she’s sooooo modest and mousy and doesn’t think she’s worthy of Christian at all.  Christian tells her she looks stunning as they’re going to leave, and for some reason this pisses me off:

“I flush at this compliment in front of Taylor and the other men.”

Because if it was in front of other women, she would be gloating that she was the prettiest. For some reason, Christian goes to show Ana his library which, as a student of English Literature, HE NEVER THOUGH TO SHOW HER BEFORE. They finally get in the car and go.

Christian gets Ana all hot and bothered in the car, and tells her what to expect from the event- rich people, fancy dresses, etc. They arrive, and apparently the papparazzi recognise Christian despite his mask because of his “copper hair”. This is interesting to me, because this is the colour of copper:

– and I don’t recall Jamie Dornan’s hair being that ginger in the movies at all. Why the discrimination against gingers, movie industry? Moving on.

They bump into Christian’s sister Mia, who introduces Ana to her friends. Of course, they’re jealous of the fact she snagged the indisuptably amazing Christian Grey:

““Of course we all thought Christian was gay,” she says snidely, concealing her rancor with a large, fake smile.

Mia pouts at her.

“Lily, behave yourself. It’s obvious he has excellent taste in women. He was waiting for the right one to come along, and it wasn’t you!””

Yes, it was EL James Ana you wanton harlot! She’s the prettiest and the smartest and has the hottest boyfriend SO THERE!

Ana meets some other people at the party, and one of them mentions that her company is being bought out- and Ana internally notes that it’s Christian behind it all, or, in her words, “a stalker par excellence”. Again, this stalker stuff: right there in the text. I’m not pulling this from nowhere, you know.

She’s introduced to his grandparents, and we get some more random woman-bashing, because God forbid we miss one opportunity:

“Mrs. Trevelyan is all over me like a rash.”

Nice. That’s someone’s Gran, you cunt. They put some money in envelopes, and we take half a page out to regurgitate the menu, which sounds…fine, I guess. They eat dinner, and Ana comments internally on how loud Mia is and how Christian’s grandmother is too nasty to her husband. A waitress stops by- but not just any waitress, one who has the audacity to have met Christian before! Ana snarks on her hair, and acts pleased when Christian doesn’t acknowledge her.

Mmm, yeah, your rampant insecurity, baby, so sexy, much hot. These two shits deserve each other- they’re like a couple of fifteen-year-olds throwing vague Facebook statuses at each other whenever one of them so much as glances at someone else. Is Ana actually being worse than Christian in this chapter? Not far off. Why does Ana hate all women who cross her path? Why is that considered a desirable trait in a leading lady? Is internalized misogyny not a thing EL James is aware of as a concept, or is she just so deeply entrenched in it she can’t do anything but write it into her characters?

Many questions.

Ana goes to the bathroom to take out the sexy-time balls, and they return to the table.The prizes for the auction take up another half-page and Ana winds up bidding the $24,000 Christian forced on her a few chapters ago on a weekend at Christian’s family’s property in Aspen, and wins. And…that’s the end of the most insecure chapter of all time!

I’m getting this week’s recap out of the way early, as I’ll be moving later this week and who knows what kind of chaos that’s going to instill into my life. We left off with Ana and Christian shagging like bunnies who don’t really have a clear idea of what sex actually comprises of (catch up on the last recap here), and now we’re plunging straight back into chapter four. Prepare for the worst sex scene maybe of all time. Let’s get right to it!

Been having some weird feelings about Robin lord Taylor in Gotham recently, and I plan to work them out in Gif form. Bear with me here.

“As sanity returns, I open my eyes and gaze up into the face of the man I love.”

OH GREAT. I don’t know why, but every time Ana says she loves Christian it pisses me off. In fact, I do know why, and it’s because she says nothing good about him other than that he’s hot and rich. And, as I’ve said many times before, if I’m banging an awful human being who also happens to be hot and rich:

I would bet money on Hannibal being kinkier than Christian Grey, too. And a better cook.

” “Come cook me some food, wench. I’m fam-
ished,” he adds, sitting up suddenly and dragging me with him.[…]

“Wench. Food, now, please.””

DAMN SON. I asked my friend Ellie to get me a glass while she was up when I was visiting last week, and she told me to fuck off and die. If I’d said this to her, she would have stuffed a teatowel down my throat and yanked out my stomach lining. If Ana didn’t immediately get up and fucking do what she was told, this might be pretty funny, but considering his historic disdain for all fucking women, I wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t trying to be funny at all. Not that we could tell, because Christian’s “jokes” are about on the same level of funny as Seth Macfarlane’s.

Christian finds the crumpled, deflated helicopter balloon under Ana’s pillow, and she tells him she’s been sleeping with it. How the fuck would you ever get any sleep with that fucking crinkling and crackling underneath you?  We jump to Ana and Christian eating dinner, and-

“He’s wearing his jeans and his shirt with his just-fucked hair and that’s all.”

Not to pick nits here, but I would consider someone wearing jeans and a shirt fully dressed. I’m also annoyed that we skipped the part where Ana fucked the living crap out of his hair. I would like to know the physics of that.

“I sit cross-legged beside him, eating greedily, beyond hungry, and admire his naked feet.”

I can’t imagine something I would rather look at less while I’m eating that someone’s gross bare feet, but okay. They talk some about Ana’s mother and her marriages, and then we get back to the fact that Christian brought the company Ana works for. She tells him she’s still mad at him.

“He smiles. “I know but you being mad, baby, wouldn’t stop me.””

I’m using this Gif to signify the worst thing Christian says/does all chapter.

FUCK. ME. SIDEWAYS. So, to be clear for anyone who’s somehow got this far into the recaps and still refers to him as Christian Bae, here is Christian, when Ana tells him that she’s uncomfortable with him doing something, literally telling her that he doesn’t give a fuck.So, to everyone who’s like, “he never does anything without her consent!”, right here, he’s telling her that it’s irrelevant to him.

““If I leave and find another job, will you buy that company, too?”

[…]

“Yes, I will buy that company, too.””

Sometimes, I feel like the abuse can be subtle and difficult to see; other times I just need to quote the text verbatim and it’s blindingly obvious.

So Ana thinks that she doesn’t want to fight, so all of that conversation is just forgotten and they go back to pounding. Seriously. That happens. None of that is ever resolved. To be fair, though, this sex scene is hilarious and almost enough to distract me from the fuckery that came before. He gets ice-cream from the freezer, and sort of stalks around the apartment for a bit.

“He looks up at me, eyes dark. “Ben & Jerry’s & Ana.” He says each word slowly, enunciating every syllable clearly.”

Try enunciating every syllable there, and tell me how sexy that sounds. Also, you can’t have dark eyes when holding ice-cream- that’s a fact and we all know it. They head to the bedroom and Christian is all-

““You have a change of sheets, don’t you?””

So wet right now

I did internet dating a while ago, and one guy’s opening line was “I want to soak your sheets.” I’ve thought about it a lot in the intervening years, trying to figure out exactly what he wanted to soak my sheets with and how he thought that might turn me on, but now I know- it was actually Christian Grey and I missed out on the chance to have him smear ice-cream on my fucking duvet. This is also the only sex scene in history to have “Normally, I hate energy-saving bulbs” just thrown in there. EL James is a master of the erotic craft, and we should bow down before her.

Christian ties Ana up, straddles her, and just starts munching on ice-cream straight from the tub while he’s on top of her. Does he get how food-play works? Is this meant to be sexy? If someone started chowing down on MY ice-cream right in front of me, I would consider more an affront than sexy sexy foreplay.

“Taking another spoonful, he offers me more. This time I keep my mouth shut and shake my head, and he lets it slowly melt on the spoon so that the melted ice cream drips, onto my throat, onto my chest.”

Alright, so earlier, Christian was like “ooh, this ice cream is still hard”, so it must have taken an age to melt and drip all sexy like. So they’re just sitting there, watching ice-cream melt, for what, a good three, four minutes? In silence?

This, but with ice cream.

I know people will defend this with “ooh, but it’s fantasy”, but for me, I assumed the fantasy in erotica (if you can even call this “erotica”) came from the fact that the sex was just mind-blowingly good, not that somehow ice-cream melts faster for fucking Christ’s sake. He puts ice-cream on to her torso, and it gets on the bed, and he licks it off her nipples. Ana keeps on thinking about how cold it is and how surprised she is by that, and somehow we’re still meant to see her as blisteringly smart and on-the-ball.

He fingers her, she “erupts”, and then he pounds her.

“This is what he does to me—takes my body and possesses it wholly so that I think of nothing but him. His magic is powerful, intoxicating. I’m a butterfly caught in his net, unable and unwilling to escape.”

That’s not really how I would want to describe my relationship with the man I supposedly love. As an insect caught in a net and unable to get out. But hey, that’s because I don’t understand romance and want something ridiculous called a “healthy” relationship, where we “communicate” and he “doesn’t repeatedly try to control my life without my knowledge of consent”. I guess I’m just old-fashioned.

Christian invites Ana to some charity event, so now we’ve got the promise of something actually happening in this book that doesn’t involve terrible sex or emotional abuse, at least in theory. Ana goes to sleep, and dreams about the girl she saw outside her work, the one who was clearly a previous victim of Christian’s horrible machinations. Look, I’m just saying, if I found out a guy I was dating- and had only been dating for a few weeks at this point, mind- had an ex who was driven to attempt suicide after dating him, I maaaaay think twice.

Christian wakes Ana up, and admits that he knows who the girl is- she’s Leila, presumably one of his ex-subs, colour me completely fucking unsurprised. Ana gets Christian out of bed, and tries to coax more of the story behind Leila out of him, but he refuses. She points out that it’s her business, since Leila found and confronted her, but Christian brushes her off, because he cares deeply about her safety and peace of mind. Eventually, he comes clean, and tells her that while he was busy stalking her in Georgia, Leila broke into his apartment and tried to slit her wrists in front of Christian’s housekeeper. In fact, he describes it as her making “a haphazard attempt to open a vein”, because nothing any women does is good enough for Christian, even attempting fucking suicide.

I’m out

He explains to Ana that Leila was just making a cry for attention (according to Leila’s shrink, who sure as fuck shouldn’t have been telling Christian any of that), and that she ran off from her husband and family to pursue him again. Christian admits that she’s probably back because of Ana, and then he’s like “LOL LET’S FUCK THO” and we skip right on by it again. Look, you can’t use sex every time you want to “tease” out a plot point, alright, EL? Because if I was Ana and a potentially unstable ex of my current partner’s had broken into his apartment, attempted suicide, then stalked me, I would not be up for shagging my problems away until I knew I was safe.

They fall asleep together, and Ana wakes first, and starts fondling him and kissing his scars while he’s unconscious. Which, ew, because he repeatedly expressed how much he hated that and didn’t want Ana to do it. But boys don’t need boundaries, am I right?

They bang again (after Christian wakes up, and off-screen, thank God), and Ana chats to Christian about his workout habits. He tells her his trainer is an ex-Olympic kickboxer, except that kickboxing isn’t an Olympic sport, which is pretty funny. In my head, the guy is just bullshitting him and Christian’s too damn proud of boasting about his trainer to check his background. Nah, he only does that for women he’s met once. ZING!

Christian talks about taking Ana back to the Red Room of Pain, and Ana is hesitant-

““You know you want to,” he mouths at me.

I flush, and the undesirable thought that Leila could probably keep up slithers invidious  and unwelcome into my mind.”

So, there once again we have Ana wanting to do something to keep up with Christian as opposed to for her own pleasure. In case anyone’s keeping count. Ana tells Christian that she needs to buy another car, and he tells her that he’s already brought back the Audi he gave her. She’s angry, understandably, and tries to give him back the check he gave her for the sale of the Mini (which he completed without her consent, of course):

““Oh no. That’s your money.”

“No, it isn’t. I’d like to buy the car from you.”

His expression changes completely. Fury—yes, fury—sweeps across his face.”

Oh, great, Christian getting apoplectic about Ana trying to be an adult and pay her own way. She rips up the check, so he calls his bank and deposits twenty-four thousand dollars into her bank account and tells her not to “push him”. Is this what the opposite of a gold-digger is? Someone forcibly pushing money on you when you’ve explicitly said you don’t want it or any other gifts? Oh, wait, no, that’s just called being a massive creep with no fucking boundaries or an ounce of decency. My bad.

They start making out, and Christian wonders if she’ll ever stop defying him. Which…well, I’m pretty sure that before he’s said he likes Ana defying him, and it’s what makes he different. Except that whenever she does it, he flies into a rage and forces his will on her no matter what.

They go for breakfast, where Ana picks up the bill, and Christian pouts about it like a fucking child. He takes her to a beauty salon, and Ana realizes he’s trying to get her waxed and up to his standards as per the contract:

“I glare at him. He’s introducing the Rules by stealth.”

Yup, so she acknowledges that he’s ignoring what she wants and pushing ahead with his own desires, but that’s cool because OH WAIT NO IT ISN’T THAT’S FUCKING HORRENDOUS. I don’t understand how the book can so openly note the fact that he’s manipulating her into being the woman he wants, and then be all gooey and pulsing-heart-emoticons over him. None of this shit is hidden; a lot of it is right there in Ana’s inner monologue. And still, EL and many of her readers claim this is a healthy relationship?

Ana agrees to get a haircut (Christian owns the salon, by the way, hence the quick appointment time), and notices Christian noticing an attractive older blonde who’s walked into the salon. Christian goes over to greet her, and Ana realizes what we figured out a page ago-

“It’s Mrs Robinson.”

So, with that dirge of a chapter over, I’ll see you all next week!

Well, we’re back for chapter two. And, full disclosure, I had to go and get a bottle of wine while I was re-reading this chapter, because god fucking dammit.

The chapter opens with Christian dragging Ana out to dinner, grumbling that a restaurant will “have to do” when they walk in, because Ana is apparently actually, literally going to die if they don’t eat in the next eight seconds. Christian orders for them, and “chastens” Ana for her asking if she can pick her own food. They order wine, because these people can’t do anything without alcohol (after my own heart) and then we get to the good stuff. They talk about how they’ve missed each other and want each other back.

“”Nothing’s changed. I can’t be what you want me to be.” I squeeze the words out past the lump in my throat.

“You are what I want you to be.””

Lovely David.

NO SHE’S FUCKING NOT. Or you wouldn’t be trying to change her behaviour by pushing her towards a kink she clearly dislikes. And you wouldn’t be criticising her for not eating, or suggesting that the clothes she wears aren’t good enough, or “rescuing” her when she’s drunk at a bar. You’ve been trying to change her since the moment you met her, douchebag. But oh wait, it gets better.

“”You’re upset because of what happened last time. I behaved stupidly, and you… So did you. Why didn’t you safe word, Anastasia?” His tone changes, becoming accusatory.

What? Whoa – change of direction. I flush, blinking at him.

“Answer me.”

“I don’t know. I was overwhelmed. I was trying to be what you wanted me to be, trying to deal with the pain, and it went out of my mind. You know… I forgot,” […]

“You forgot!” he gasps with horror, grabbing the sides of the table and glaring at me. […]

“How can I trust you?” he says, his voice low. “Ever?””

(the bits I cut out there don’t make this any better; it’s just Ana noting internally that he’s furious and telling herself it’s her fault)

But yeah, let’s just take a look at that, shall we? Christian- who knew at the time that Ana was inexperienced not just with BDSM, but with any kind of sexual relationship, who knew she was really, really put off by the idea of pain, who cried and sobbed and screamed all the way through the beating with a motherfucking belt he gave her at the end of the last book after she told him she wanted to push her limits solely to please him- Christian is saying he can never trust Ana again. Because Ana didn’t use her safeword. Not because Christian is a shitty, shitty, shitty dom/man/human and beat the everloving crap out of his weeping partner who had previously and often expressed herself dislike for this kink and didn’t think for one second that she may not like it. And it’s her fault. And she should feel guilty about it.

I swear. I swear to fucking God.

Ana apologises, and he tells her how much suffering she could have stopped if she’d just used her safeword. I honestly can’t with this shit anymore. They turn back to inane flirting, so we’re back into familiar territory as this made up about 40% of the original novel. The food arrives, and Ana tells Christian she still loves him, but she’s not eating fast enough so we get this:

“”So help me God, Anastasia, if you don’t eat, I will take you across my knee here in this restaurant, and it will have nothing to do with my sexual gratification. Eat!””

So…he’s admitting that he’d beat the crap out of Ana as a punishment? Not as a…sexy times BDSM thing? Whoops, slip of the tongue, best not dwell on that blatant threat of physical violence for too long in case people think this isn’t actually a romance!

They finish their meal and go to leave, and Christian tells Ana how much he wants her and is all smooch-smoochy with her hand. Sometimes it’s just so starkly clear what a terrible, terrible human EL James wrought, and this is one of those times. He threatened to hit her, told her she was at fault for her own abuse, and then puts on a kissy-kissy face the plot just breezes on by. They get into the car that Christian called, and Christian asks her straight out the question we’ve all been thinking:

“”Let me ask you something first. Do you want a regular vanilla relationship with no kinky fuckery at all?””

I love it. I use the term “fuckery” quite a lot-eg, “That’s some fuckery!”, etc-but to me it’s just a silly toon-town version of a swear. It’s not sexy. Certainly not when I imagine Jamie Dornan being forced to say this line in the next movie OH MY GOD THAT’S GOING TO BE FANTASTIC.

Ana tells him she loves his “kinky fuckery,” and I need to start massaging my temples to stop this headache that’s threatening right now, because she’s repeatedly told the audience how much she hates it. Am I getting through to anyone here? Am I just screaming into the void?

Ana explains that in fact she doesn’t like getting hit with canes or whips or paddles, and she doesn’t like how much he gets off on hurting her. He agrees to take away the punishments and the rules, which is pretty funny given how many of the rules Ana’s laid down for him he’s broken (Not giving her space, not buying her shit, not beating her with a belt, etc).

Ana and Christian reconcile, and snuggle in the back of the car. Christian goes off on a tangent about his mother-oops, no, “the crack whore” as he refers to her. Which, ugh. This- this precisely- is why therapy exists. He explains that his mother’s body was left him for four days after she committed suicide, which is genuinely horrible, and also not an excuse for Christian to exercise coercive control over Ana.

They drive back to Ana’s, and Christian tells Ana he could “watch her sleep forever.”

That’s a line from a Hannigram ship fic IF EVER I HEARD ONE.

They say goodbye, he gives her a gift, it’s the dumb glider she bought him at the end of the last book, etc. He’s also put an iPad in there, and loaded it up with appropriate music because he’s a fucking fifteen-year-old me with money to burn apparently. She cries while she listens to The Scientist by Coldplay, and yeah, me too, but different reasons. They exchange emails about how Christian wants Ana to beg for him (ugh ugh ugh ugh UGH).

Then Ana goes to bed and listens to Jose Gonzalez and thinks about how lucky, lucky, lucky she is to be with the man of her dreams.