I’m on my period, so between munching everything in sight and holding back pathetic tears every time the cat doesn’t want a cuddle or my boyfriend turns a page too loudly beside me, I’ve decided to channel my furious yet miserable energy into another recap (yes, I am the very definition of a cliche when on my period. Sue me.)
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Iiiiiiit’s Friday night! You know what that means (no, not that). It’s time for another Fifty Shades Freed recap! It’s early enough in the game at this point for me to still slightly enjoy writing these, and it’s only a matter of time before I spin out into my usual furious depression over these books once more. So, with that grim inevitability in mind, let’s thunder on!
Happy Saturday! As the world rumbles towards an apparently inevitable doom, it seemed about time that I return to my pit of despair, my white whale- yes, that’s right, it’s finally time to take on the final part of the Fifty Shades Trilogy. With the next movie only a few weeks away, it’s prime time to throw myself at the mercy of the world’s sexiest writer once more. And hope this time she doesn’t force me to read about getting hit on the clitoris with a horsewhip. If you’re new to the blog, catch up on my recaps here; if not, once more into the breach, dear friends- or, indeed, into the bleach, which I imagine I’ll want to chug a litre of by the time this is done. To the first chapter!
Do you get it? Because she’s called Louise and so am…forget it, I’m wasted on this blog.
And so, friends, we reach the end of another Fifty Shades “book”. Hush, hush, hold your tears, for as soon as my American Horror Story recaps are done, I’ll be back for the final segment of this thrillogy. In the meantime- Let’s. Do. It.
Quick side-note: I wrote about Fifty Shades and consent in pop culture earlier this week, and you can find the article here if you missed it.
You know there are only thirty-three pages left in this hideous book? I can’t believe how quickly we ploughed through this one- and, with the glistening prospect of Fifty Shades Freed on the horizon, how far we still have left to go. This is the second-last chapter (!) of Darker, and Ana has just given Christian some time in the playroom as a birthday present.
Christian asks if there’s anything Ana doesn’t want, and she replies that she doesn’t want him taking pictures of her- a clear reference to the fact she found his stash of photos of previous subs, which she still hasn’t confronted him about, by the way. He’s baffled, but agrees, and they enter the playroom, where Christian puts on some music.
Another week, another Fifty Shades Derper recap. Hey, in Fifty Shades-adjacent news, did you hear that Jamie Dornan will allegedly be getting his cock out in the next movie? I’m not particularly bothered about seeing Jamie’s Dornan, but at least that will balance out all of the female nudity in the last movie. Because, you know, this is a series of books meant to appeal to straight women, and all.
We left off last week with the delicious prospect of Christian vanishing from the face of the Earth, marking this the first chapter I’m actually looking forward to recapping. On with the show!
If you’re looking to kick your weekend off with a dizzying spiral of boredom, frustration, and bad writing, I’ve got you covered. To the recap!
We left off with Christian driving Ana back from their appointment with Christian’s therapist (“therapist”), but Christian announces that he’s taking Ana for a “surprise” visit somewhere. I’m not saying this is going to end up with some Dexter-esque torture-murder dealio, but…
Yeah.
Happy Sunday, my good readers! The football season is back, and I’ve already been crushed with disappointment as an Arsenal supporter, so I figured I’d take this feeling of utter, endless let-downery and turn it into something constructive- ie, a new Fifty Shades Darker recap! I can’t believe we’re already on chapter seventeen- another brutal journey draws into it’s second act once again. Speaking of which, did I mention I linked up all my Fifty Shades recaps in the blog directory? You should check that out.
It’s a beautiful summer day today, and I’m rendered incapable of going outside because I STILL have The UTI From Hell and it’s just not playing ball right now. So, while I’m pissed off and miserable and in pain anyway, I figured it was time to get started on this week’s Fifty Shades Darker recap!
The Cutprice Guignol 