The Cutprice Guignol

What if it was going to be okay?

I don’t know exactly what you thought of when you thought of it, but I know what it brings to mind for me. It brings to mind that thing, the thing that has been the focus of my anxiety for the last however long – the thing that could go one of two ways, but that the sour little voice in my head likes to spend hours convincing me will only go the bad one. The worst one. It is the theme of those anxious, intrusive thoughts, no matter how bizarre or insensible it seems.

And what that is will vary wildly from person to person. But, most likely, if you’re like me and struggle with anxiety in some long-term way, there’s always going to be something that fits that description. Whether it’s a prominent aspect of your daily thinking that gets in the way of you doing other things or even living a functional life, or just a frequent niggle you can’t shake, chances are, you know what I’m talking about. The it that dominates your thoughts, a constant throb of “oh, don’t get too comfortable, because it is still out there, waiting to go wrong on you”.

What if – what if – that thing, the thing you can’t stop worrying about, didn’t go wrong? What if it was neutral, or even good? What if it was going to be okay? What if, instead of all the worst case scenarios your brain has been hurling at you all this time, it was…fine?

I know, I know – that voice is already telling you it can’t be, won’t be, never would be. But let’s play out the thought, just for the sake of it. If it was going to be fine, how would that change your mood right now? How would it change your day, your week, your month? What would you be able to do, if it was going to be fine? What shit would you be able to let go of? What would you use that new space in your brain for? God, wouldn’t that be nice?

I’ve been dealing with a whole heap of anxiety recently, as I know many people do this time of year, and I’m writing this post as a reminder to myself (and anyone else who might find it useful) – I want this as a little sticky note on my blog that I can come back to when things are shitty. I want to ask this question first, before I lay down in the dirt of my anxiety and agree that it’s going to be terrible: what if it’s going to be fine? The irrationality of anxiety means that, for the most part, I have at least some proof that it will be okay, instead of the horrible disaster I am pulled into the spiral of believing – and that deserves as much consideration as anxiety’s sour little pessimistic drumbeat does.

What if it’s going to be okay? What then? What now?