Self-Harm, and Self-Forgiveness

by thethreepennyguignol

Trigger warning for discussions of self-harm and eating disorders in this post.

As I move into the last year of my twenties, it’s hard not to reflect on everything that’s happened in these last ten years or so. A lot of it really great, to be honest – a lot I’m proud of, I lot I look back on fondly, a lot of friends I’m so glad I made and opportunities I feel so grateful to have been given.

But then, there’s been the rest of it, too. All that other stuff, the stuff that wasn’t as good. The heavy drinking, smoking, the eating disorder, OCD compulsions that ruled my life. As I get a little older, my body starts to show the wear I’ve put it through, and a lot of the stuff I’m experiencing now is a result of all those bad times. While I’m generally in a decent place with my health, I have some long-term issues that have come as a direct result of the issues I’ve had in the last ten years, and I don’t know when, if ever, they will resolve.

And that’s hard not to be a little mad about. A lot mad about, actually, if I’m being honest. When I’m dealing with stomach issues because of my laxative abuse in my early twenties, or when I look in the mirror and see my arms covered in the remnants of scars from self-harm and obsessive skin-picking, my first reaction is anger, aimed at myself. At all the opportunities I missed because I was too ill or consumed with compulsions to take them. These were avoidable problems, I tell myself; I chose to do this to myself, this wasn’t an unfortunate twist of fate. I understand on an intellectual level that I couldn’t help the mental health issues I struggled with any more than I could a physical one, and yet, I can’t help but feel that this is a result of a series of choices I made for myself day in, and day out, and I have to live with those choices forever.

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. There are so many people out there, so many I’ve met, who struggle with the same feelings: guilt and anger at the problems they feel they’ve caused themselves because of their mental illness. It doesn’t extend to anyone else – as far as I’m concerned, if someone needs accommodations for any reason, they deserve them, regardless of what may have led to the issue in the first place – but that kindness is so, so hard to gift to yourself, too.

And moving in to this last year of my twenties, if there’s one thing I want to leave behind, it’s that guilt. Yes, my body carries the memories of all the shit that happened and everything I went through. Yes, there are physical reminders of all of that, and yes, perhaps if I had entered treatment or started taking my problems more seriously earlier, they wouldn’t be there. There might be issues in the future I deal with as a result of what happened that I wouldn’t have otherwise.

I’m the one who did this, which sucks, but it also means that I’m the one who can forgive it, too. I want to accept those issues, those changes, those scars, both mental and physical. I want to stop looking at a my body as a monument to all the mistakes I made and see it with the kindness I see other people with. Because, the truth is, for all the issues I have, my body is a reminder that I was lucky enough to have made it through all the bullshit – a reminder that I survived, in spite of all of it. I don’t know what my thirties are going to bring, but I’m sure as hell planning one thing: I am ready to dump all the guilt and anger at the memories my body holds and accept that I did what I needed to do to make it through – and I get a chance at a whole new decade as a result.

Is this an issue that you deal with? How do you handle the long-term effects of your mental or physical illnesses? Let me know in the comments!

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