Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 12

Like a broken car radio that you can’t untune from that one weird Christian music channel, I’m inevitably back with another dose of Fifty Shades Douchier. And I’m starting right here with a shout-out to my best friend/long-time reader of these godforsaken posts Ellie, because it was her fucking birthday yesterday and we’re going to get together and get sloshed all day tomorrow and I can’t WAIT. Like a food processor or a vibrator that doesn’t shake the foundations of your entire apartment when you’re trying to have a quiet wank, you should all have an Ellie in your life.

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Who else will hold flannels over your face for you? WHO? Also, you should know that she calls this her “swamp hair”.

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