Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 12

Like a broken car radio that you can’t untune from that one weird Christian music channel, I’m inevitably back with another dose of Fifty Shades Douchier. And I’m starting right here with a shout-out to my best friend/long-time reader of these godforsaken posts Ellie, because it was her fucking birthday yesterday and we’re going to get together and get sloshed all day tomorrow and I can’t WAIT. Like a food processor or a vibrator that doesn’t shake the foundations of your entire apartment when you’re trying to have a quiet wank, you should all have an Ellie in your life.


Who else will hold flannels over your face for you? WHO? Also, you should know that she calls this her “swamp hair”.

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