Yes, I was planning to take a look at Arrow for the second part of my month of various superhero reviews, but when I heard the new Batman vs Superman trailer had dropped, I figured it was as good a time as any to take a little detour down memory lane (I’ve spent many a happy hour reviewing these trailers before) and spend some time with my all-time favourite actors, Ben Affleck and Henry Cavill. Or, you know, rip the violent piss out of a film that’s going to be pushing a six out of ten at best. Let’s get started!
0:02: OOOH THIS IS THE BATMAN TRAILER, COOL! Can’t be worse than Gotham.
0:15: Batman’s wing things look dumb as fuck. I once made a bat Halloween costume by stapling black binbags to the inside of my sleeves to create wings, and that is PRECISELY what they looked like.
0:24: Okay, that’s cool, whatever. But the problem is that that’s (ostensibly, stuntmen aside) Ben Affleck inside that suit. You know, Ben Affleck, everyone’s hot dad! Ben Affleck, he of the pious political thriller! Ben Affleck! BEN AFFLECK! If there’s one man who I just couldn’t take seriously as Batman, it’s this guy. And, like, Michael Cera, I guess. Though that would be hilarious.
0:34: I want you to do something for me, if you’ve got a spare ten minutes. Go away and watch this scene from The Dark Knight (that it’s a Batman film is a mere coincidence; I was just looking for the best superhero action sequences). It’s fucking thrilling, Nolan at his action-auteur best; the lack of music, the brilliant sound design, the fast-paced but coherent plot, all climaxing in that truck dangling in mid-air in silence for a moment that has you genuinely holding your breath; THAT’S an action sequence. And tell me, honestly, does this look better than that? Does it?
0:36: Ah, he did punch his head through a floor though, so alright.
0:44: Ugh, Brucefleck just isn’t working for me. He’s barely got his eyes open in this shot, for God’s sake!
0:56: Pause at that shot for a moment. Isn’t that a wierd shot? Not in a good way or a bad way, just in a “huh” way. I don’t hate it, but I’ve got a horrible feeling it’s going to fall under the same banner as “Superman dissapears into a pile of skulls” from Man of Steel, ie, someone put Zack Snyder in the corner for a bit.
1:05: “GOD VERSUS MAN”. I mean, you’ve got to fancy the God, don’t you? Not the way I fancy Henry Cavill, you understand, GODDAMMIT I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN’T GET DISTRACTED THIS TIME-
1:12: Oh hey, Jesse Eisenberg, thanks for reminding me why I have even a vague interest in this movie!
1:19: Oh good, what Man of Steel was really missing was people talking down to Amy Adams.
1:27: Montage, montage…hold the bus, was that Wonder Woman?!
1:33: Montage, montage, crunchy guitar riff, montage. I’m bored.
1:35: Ugh, I think if Ben Affleck was standing that close to me I’d want to drape a napkin over my shoulder or something. I just…nope.
1:37: EVERYONE SHUT UP WONDER WOMAN’S ABOUT TO GET A LINE
1:46: Of all the directors in all the world to bring Wonder Woman to the big screen, I wish it could have been ANYONE but “abused women in scanty clothes with big guns is EMPOWERMENT!” Zack Snyder. Literally anyone.
1:55: Look, I don’t begrudge superhero movies existing; whatever, have your fun. I begrudge them being nothing but excuses for two testosterone-ridden man-children to punch out the homoerotic urges of the audience, however.
1:57: Jesse Eisenberg looks worse and worse every time I see him, which concerns me. He’s a genuinely superb actor (go watch him in The Double if you don’t believe me), but this movie is already overstuffed as it is. I just don’t think there’s room for him here.
UGH FUCK FINE I’ll see it at the cinema.